Dear Dr. Yael, I enjoy your column very much and have a question I hope you can help me with. I have been married for seven years and have four children, baruch Hashem. Over these past seven years my husband has had eight jobs. Each one came to an end for a different reason but mostly because there is too little money or no room for growth – according to my husband.
In my opinion, my husband worked well at all of these jobs, but generally had bad work ethics. By that I mean he came late very often, took off a “sick day” every two weeks or so and sometimes had a bad attitude. We are now moving closer to where my parents live and my mother has a friend who is willing to hire my husband.
I am extremely disappointed and upset with my husband for not being a provider or a good role model for our children – on a spiritual level as well, as he doesn’t wake up on time to go to shul and daven with a minyan. I have already come to terms with the fact that I did not marry a business guy, aggressive in the outside world, etc. All I want is a steady job and a responsible provider. I wonder: 1) Is it possible for a person with these types of habits to change? 2) I am a very firm believer in making a solid home for the kids with two parents. Right now, I want to do everything in my power to make this work for the sake of my children and myself (deep down I know I love him), but if this job and move don’t work out, would it be okay to end things? And should I warn him about that now?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It seems like you are in a difficult predicament, one that cannot be completely addressed in a magazine column.
Your first question is whether or not a person with bad habits can change. I believe the answer is yes, but it takes a lot of hard work. If your husband truly wants to change, he can – the question is, does he want to? It is not enough for you to want him to change.
It may be a good idea to speak positively and firmly to him, telling him how much you love him and how important it is that he has a steady job. Empathize with him about how difficult it is, but explain that you need to feel secure about parnassah. Ask if there is anything you can do to help him in this next job so he can grow within the company. You might also ask if he wants to see someone who specializes in helping people deal with difficult workplace situations. Make sure to have this conversation when he and you are in a good mood.
I think the only way to reach your husband is through positive reinforcement. For example, you can say something like, “It would mean so much to me if this job works out. I know you haven’t been given such wonderful opportunities in the past, but I think this time is different. And it would be great to have a new start with a steady income. Wouldn’t it be fun if we thought of a way to reward ourselves when we have a good week? It may be easier for you to get to work on time if you stick to a schedule. I can have coffee and breakfast ready for you when you come back from shul, so you can leave the house on time. What do you think?”