Dear Dr. Yael:
I read your letter from a married person who thanked you for helping her and her husband. Then I thought about myself. Reading your column every week makes me feel connected to you, but did I ever call you to say thank you for what you did for me? I don’t think so.
I am one of the many singles that you have helped get married. This was quite a few years ago and now I have a great marriage and a beautiful family. I let you know about my engagement and then I never called you again.
Why? Because, I was busy. However, when I read that letter, I thought I should at least write to you and give you some nachas. I did not believe you could help me when I came to you. I was in my early thirties and had never dated any man more than twice. However, you worked hard to build up my self-esteem, role-played with me on what to say on dates, and taught me how to date and project myself. Within a few months I became engaged to my husband and we have a wonderful marriage.
The most powerful message you gave me was to think about how to make the person I am dating feel special when he is around me. I was always so busy trying to make a good impression that I never complimented or even really listened to the people I went out with. That point was pivotal in changing the way I dated.
I know there is a serious shidduch crisis today. I hope some of those singles read this article and reach out to you. Thank you so much and please forgive me for not reaching out to you before.
A Happily Married Former Client
Dear A.H.M.F.C.:
Thank you for your letter; it’s always nice to hear from former clients.
Listening on a date is very important. Unfortunately, very insecure people are so busy talking to fill time, they don’t try to get to know the other person. As you said, a key quality in dating is being interested in what the person you are with is saying. This makes the other person feel cared about.
Another great tip is to try and be positive about yourself in a subtle way. While you want the other person to see and understand your positive qualities you never want to come across as arrogant.
Sometimes singles have a hard time speaking on dates. Their anxiety level causes them to freeze up and this keeps their true personality from emerging. I have a cute technique that I use in therapy to overcome this. I tell my patients to think of the best and most exciting times in their life, as well as the funniest stories that they have heard, and share them on a date. These stories should not only be interesting but they should show a part of your personality and inner self. A person should never tell a story that makes him or her look foolish.
I tell singles to speak about their friendships and acts of chesed they might perform, again in a subtle way.
Now, this does not mean one should paint a rosy picture and never acknowledge anything negative. However, at the beginning of the dating process, only focus on the positive. As you get more comfortable and get to know the other person better, there is room to talk about things you don’t necessarily like about yourself.
Hatzlacha to our letter writer and to all the singles struggling to find the right person to build their lives with.