Dear Dr. Respler,
I love your column and hope that you will print our letter. I am writing to you about a problem that afflicts our community. This is the problem of divorce. It is painful for me to see so many young divorced couples and so many young children who are being shuffled around from parent to parent. I know that in certain situations divorce is unavoidable. However, it may be difficult to work on a marriage, but it is definitely worthwhile trying to save it.
I doubt you would remember us, since you treated us many years ago. However, we went to another therapist who recommended divorce. We then came to you and worked very hard to save our marriage. Today we are happy grandparents and we also, baruch Hashem, had more children after we finished therapy. I know that you have a positive attitude towards marriage and I think that this is something we are sometimes lacking in our community. Please Dr. Respler, tell these young couples to work harder to save their marriages. Please tell other therapists (frum ones as well) not to be so quick to push divorce. If a couple is going for therapy, they want to save their marriage, otherwise they would go to a beis din.
Granted, it was very hard work for my husband and I to honestly look at ourselves and change the things that were destroying our marriage; however, it ended up making us better people. It breaks our hearts to see so much divorce in our community.
I know that your column is well read and I hope that people will think before they opt for divorce. I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I, chas v’shalom, divorced my husband and I know he feels the same. We both would be miserable, even though at the time we thought we may have been happier. Dr. Respler, please help others realize that divorce is not always the best option, and probably rarely is.
A Happily Married Couple
Dear A.H.M.C.,
Thank you for your important letter. I agree with you! Our community is suffering from a tragic problem. While some marriages are not salvageable, many are definitely able to be saved. It unfortunately seems easier sometimes to get divorced than to do the hard work it takes to stay married. People think it is simpler to get divorced and that life will be so much better once they leave their “horrible” spouse. Sadly, many people later realize that they simply traded one set of problems for another. In addition, the pain that children suffer from divorce is hard to fathom. They have been called by some rabbanim “living yisomim” because of the difficulties they endure. This is not to say that all children will undergo a horrible experience; rather, many times the children are made to feel torn during a divorce and the effects can be everlasting.
Yes, in some situations, divorce is the best solution; however, there are too many divorces due to interfering in-laws, immaturity in the couple, and other factors that can be remedied. I believe that many of the marriages that end in divorce can be saved.
I remember a chashuv rav once telling me that he actually believed that people marry their true zivug and divorce their zivug since they do not work hard enough on themselves to save their marriages. When couples come into therapy spending time trying to convince me that they are right, my first approach is to tell them that I am not their mother or the judge; rather, I am there to facilitate developing themselves and their marriage. I know that when a couple walks in and identifies what they each have to work on to rectify their marriage, I have a situation where I can truly help the couple. We all have faults and when we look at ourselves and try to correct ourselves, we then can build a more loving relationship and a healthy marriage. I am not saying that working on ourselves is easy or painless, but the reward of a happy marriage, and the sechar that one acquires from working on themselves, is well worth the arduous work.
We must remember that our home and family is a mikdash me’at. In addition to the joy and nachas that we obtain through working to better our marriages, we are fighting to uphold the kedusha of our mikdashim me’atim. There is no task in the world that is more important!
If people do, chas v’shalom, get divorced, PLEASE DO NOT MAKE YOUR CHILDREN INTO PAWNS IN YOUR DIVORCE. There is such a thing as a healthier divorce. This is when parents work together for the benefit of their children. Both parents continue to show love and devotion to their children and in the best possible situation, they both remarry happily and remain closely connected to their children. Children do not have to choose sides or decide which parent is right. Believe me, your children will be happiest if they think that you care for each other even if you are unable to be married anymore. Once again, this is very difficult to accomplish. Since there are so many emotions involved, children usually do become pawns in a divorce, BUT it does not have to be so.
Thank you for writing this important letter. As you did identify yourself in the e-mail, I do remember you, and it is a great nachas for me to receive this letter. I am also grateful to all the people who I have treated who take the time out to leave me nachas calls. I love hearing the good news and the simchas that my former clients have after completing therapy. May you have continued hatzlacha in your marriage and nachas from your children and grandchildren. I hope that your letter helps others to realize that the journey of therapy may be challenging, but it is definitely worthwhile when culminating in beautiful results, as you have obtained. I also hope that other therapists will think before they readily advocate for divorce. I know that we, as therapists, also must attempt to try our hardest to salvage our community’s marriages.