Dear Dr. Yael,
I am struggling with an issue that I know many families struggle with today. Most nights, when I serve supper, all of my children are on their cell phones. I want our mealtime to be a time of connection and quality family interaction, but instead I feel like I am competing with their screens. Unfortunately, my husband is also guilty of being on his phone at the table, so the problem becomes even harder to address.
I understand that technology is here to stay, and I probably won’t be able to get rid of my children’s phones, but I would appreciate any guidance or suggestions on how to limit cell phone use in our home and create healthier family habits around technology.
A Mother in Distress
Dear Mother in Distress,
Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, your dilemma is extremely common in today’s generation. In fact, it’s so widespread that even Steve Jobs, the inventor of much of the technology we rely on today, did not allow his own children to bring devices to the table. He knew how powerful and addictive these tools can be, and he understood that boundaries are essential.
The good news is that while we cannot remove technology from our homes entirely, we can create a healthier and more boundaried relationship with it. Here are some suggestions that have helped many families learn how to spend more technology-free time together:
Establish a “No-Phone Zone” during meals: Start with one simple rule: no phones at the table – for anyone, including adults. Children follow our actions more than our words. When they see both parents putting their phones away, resistance drops dramatically.
Create a family charging station: Choose a central location in the house where all devices rest during mealtime, homework time, or family time. This removes the constant buzzing and temptation from the table and gives everyone a break.
Begin with short, achievable limits: Instead of trying to eliminate phones overnight, start with small, consistent steps – for example, unplugging for 30 minutes during supper and 30 minutes before bedtime (obviously kids should not be keeping their phones in their rooms overnight, though this may be hard to enforce if you never have before).
Plan engaging family conversation: Try to make the table more fun. For example, everyone can share “best part of my day,” stories. This will make the “no phones at the table rule” easier to follow because hopefully the kids will enjoy and want to participate.
Discuss the issue openly and respectfully: Let your children and spouse know how important family time is to you. Often, people don’t realize how much their phone use impacts others until it is pointed out kindly. If you can use “I feel” messages, you will meet with less resistance because your family will be less defensive.
Model balance, not perfection: You don’t need to eliminate technology; rather, you just need to set healthy boundaries. When children see that devices can be used, but family takes priority, they will be less resistant, and will hopefully enjoy the new boundaries and family time.
Make Shabbos your weekly technology reset: Shabbos already gives us a beautiful opportunity to disconnect from the digital world and reconnect with one another. Use this as a natural reminder that peaceful, technology-free time is both possible and healthy.
There may not be a perfect solution, but small changes, done consistently, can improve the atmosphere in your home. The goal isn’t to ban phones completely because that will likely fail. The goal is to try to reclaim family time and enjoy each other’s company without the distraction of technology. Hopefully some of these ideas will help you do this! Hatzlacha in creating a warm, connected family environment!