Dear Dr. Yael,
I recently dated a wonderful boy, and after two months we were already speaking seriously about marriage. Everything was going well until our parents met. Unfortunately, the meeting did not go smoothly. While both families are Orthodox, share similar values, and are in the same middle-class financial range, there was tension and a lack of connection between the parents.
I sensed that his parents were hoping for a more affluent match. They also seemed disappointed that although I have a stable and respectable career, it is not a high-powered field that promises significant wealth. Not long after that meeting, he broke up with me.
I am heartbroken that money played such a large role in ending a relationship that felt so meaningful. I believe that Hashem runs the world, and I know that if this shidduch ended, it was not my true zivug. But I am still struggling emotionally.
Please give me some supportive ideas to help me move forward and let go.
Hurting and Confused
Dear Hurting and Confused,
Your pain is very real, and your disappointment is understandable. When a relationship moves quickly toward marriage and then ends so abruptly, especially for reasons that feel external and unfair, it leaves a deep pain. You invested your heart, your hopes, and your future, and it is natural to grieve when it ends so abruptly and painfully.
Money and status should never be the foundation of a marriage. While financial matters are practical considerations, they cannot replace character, kindness, shared values, and emotional compatibility. A boy who allows parental pressure or financial expectations to override a meaningful relationship may not have been ready to build a committed home. If this boy can walk away so easily, he is likely not your true zivug. Furthermore, Hashem likely spared you from years of feeling judged, compared, or undervalued by in-laws who prioritize money over middos. Try to reframe this as a protection from Hashem rather than a rejection. It is important to remember that your self-worth is not determined by your income or career. Stability, reliability, and middos tovos, good character are the brachos, blessings that build a home. If this family cares more about financial standing or your career worth, then they are likely not the family for you!
It is important to take the time to grieve this relationship as the relationship was real and the loss is real as well. Allow yourself to feel sad as this is a part of the healing. Allow yourself to lean on friends, mentors, and those close to you. Talking can help you heal and listening to people who value you can be extremely helpful.
Lastly, strengthen your bitachon. Hashem has someone amazing for you. Someone who will appreciate your warmth, middos, and stability. A true home is built on mutual respect, Torah, and shared values. Shidduchim that fall apart often pave the way for your true zivug. Please keep your heart open and make space for your bashert! With time, you will look back and see that this was part of the process leading you to a zivug that honors who you are! If you feel that you are having trouble moving on, please seek professional help to assist you in rebuilding yourself and giving you the strength to let go and open yourself to new opportunities. Hatzlacha!