Dear Dr. Yael,
This past week’s article really resonated with me, but it also left me with many questions.
In my humble opinion, the phrase “tough love” is the antithesis of “enabling.” As parents, particularly of older teens, “having their back” with unconditional love, blurs that red line that should exist between “not in my house” and “anything you want.” That can be a sure recipe for disaster.
A red line is something that cannot be crossed, whatever the issues. I believe that the uncertainty of what this red line should be is a main contributor to the continuation of unwanted behavior.
If a child knows a teacher/parent will not follow through on his or her word, it is basically an open invitation to act out, annoy others and even be a bully – it feeds a personality that believes he or she can get away with anything.
On the other hand, tough love equals appreciating parameters, consequences, penalties, punishment and red lines that cannot be crossed.
Unconditional love sounds perfect, but in reality parents must establish from the very beginning an attitude of “I love you no matter what… but, certain behaviors will have severe consequences.” And children should know that because their parents love them unconditionally, they will do what is best, no matter what. Tough love is still love.
I write this letter because my granddaughter died a few weeks ago from unconditional love.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Let me begin by expressing our deepest sympathies on your granddaughter’s death. May Hashem grant your family the koach to get through this incredibly difficult time and fill your lives with simcha.
I think unconditional love must begin with a child’s birth. However, it does not preclude expectations and strict boundaries. Good parenting necessitates all three and the promotion of derech eretz is also very important.
Realistic expectations are integral as they help children feel confident when they are successfully met. Realistic is the key word, however; if our expectations are unrealistic, we might be setting our children up for failure and this can be very harmful to their self-esteem.
For example, allowing your ten-year-old to bake a cake on her own while you help with the clean-up is an appropriate expectation if your daughter shows interest and is capable of doing so. This will give you an opportunity to praise her and help her feel good about herself.
In addition, allowing your children to help with cooking and household chores teaches them important life skills and helps them transition into adulthood in a healthy manner. Furthermore, people feel good about themselves when they accomplish things and it is important for children to gain that confidence. It also gives you opportunities to “brag” about your children and make them feel special.
I once begged a client to let her daughter do more in the kitchen. The woman refused because she didn’t want her “domain messed up.” The daughter was willing to clean up after herself, but the mother still did not allow it.
Unfortunately, things did not go well in this family and while we can never pinpoint why kids have difficulties as they get older, the mother’s attitude was not conducive to raising a healthy teenager and young adult.
Children are not born with a super-ego, or as they say in simple English, a conscience. They are naturally naughty. It is our job with boundaries, logical consequences (I do not like the word punishments), and most importantly positive reinforcement to develop that super-ego so that they will want to do good things. Yes, the focus of the column was unconditional love, but this is only one ingredient in raising children.
Children need to be taught right from wrong in a loving and caring manner so that they understand that although we may not like their actions, we still love them. That is, essentially, what I mean when I say “unconditional love.” This does not mean that we condone their behavior or that we like their actions; however, we will always love them.
Your description of unconditional love sounds like permissive parenting, which is not what I was promoting at all! Permissive parenting can be very dangerous and while kids may act like they do not like rules or boundaries, they actually need them to thrive and become emotionally healthy adolescents and adults.
It is important, though, when speaking about logical consequences and changing behavior that we emphasize how much we love them and that is why we want them to act differently.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to better explain my point of view. I wish you hatzlocha in all that you do.