Two weeks ago (January 15) we featured a letter from a woman who said that her granddaughter died from unconditional love. We wondered how that was possible and asked her to share her family’s story. Below is her response.
Dear Dr. Yael,
My granddaughter died from drugs…
I was also raised with unconditional love. However, I believe when I was growing up, the greatest warnings parents needed to give their children were: get home in time for curfew, get your homework done, stay on the right derech and pick your friends wisely. Cigarettes and drinking may have been concerns for my parents, but never anything I was interested in.
I believe that today’s parents have much different and more complex issues to deal with. Sad to say, kids are prescribed drugs today for so many reasons – ADHD, depression, etc. In addition, physical pain is often dealt with by a physician prescribing addictive drugs.
Parents also take a wide variety of drugs – to sleep, for anxiety, to stop eating, for depression, for pain. Kids are raised in a culture that treats drugs are a panacea for every complaint.
That some kids are more curious than others will always be true, but here is where I believe the difference between unconditional love and enabling comes into play.
Not coming home on time is one thing, not calling to let Mom know where you are is another. Not remembering to say thank you, not doing well on a test – not behaviors that are dangerous to life and limb.
But what happens when a kid gets his license and speeds? Does the parent pay for the ticket and continue to pay for gas? What if the teen gets into an accident? Who pays for the insurance? What are the guidelines for losing use of the car?
A kid is told not to play ball in the house, then does and breaks a vase. Does the parent expect the kid to pay for it? What if a sibling gets cut from the broken vase? What is the understood penalty?
If unconditional love means that whatever children do, they are immediately forgiven and there is no price to pay, they are being done a true disservice.
That is not unconditional love, it’s enabling. And that happens when we fail to draw red lines that can’t be crossed. Clear boundaries and clear understanding of consequences are essential. Without them, we leave our teens with the belief that no matter what they do we are behind them 100% – and this belief gives many kids the opportunity to experiment with doing things they wouldn’t have even considered if they knew there would be consequences. If they know there will be a stiff penalty and that the penalty comes from love and concern, perhaps they will contain their curiosity.
We may believe our kids are spared from the temptations of the outer world, but we are fooling ourselves. While a parent may not allow a teen to have a smartphone, his or her friend has one or knows someone who does.
The very idea that some rabbanim let young men, on Purim or Simchas Torah, ad d’lo yadah, is criminal. Which of those young men will develop a “like” and then act on it? What does the parent say? It is what they don’t say that is of utmost importance.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
I understand your pain and agree that we walk a fine line when it comes to parenting our children. I do believe in unconditional love; however, I also feel that children must have boundaries and expectations as well as fair consequences to inappropriate behavior. Hatzlocha!