This week I’d like to address a letter-writer whose comments appeared on the February 5th Letters to the Editor page. She had written in regards to the young woman who felt that the secular world sees her as a whole person with her life ahead of her, as opposed to our community where she is seen as lacking because she is unmarried.
Ms. Settenbrino, I agree with you that getting married is not a race and is, as you wrote, “a milestone to be reached with Hashem’s help at the right time.” Unfortunately, people who marry due to outside pressure sometimes make the wrong choice and end up divorced.
While you agree with the idea of singles helping each other and being positive, you strongly disagree with the notion of young men dating earlier because they may not be responsible or selfless enough for marriage.
I appreciate your response, but do not necessarily agree that young men are, as a general rule, not ready to get married. I think that every person is different. I know young people who are very mature, responsible, and selfless and older people who are immature, irresponsible, and selfish. Honestly I do not believe that age is the determining factor, rather it is the individual person’s level of maturity. I know many people who got married young and are very mature, responsible, and giving. I also have found that younger people are often more flexible and can grow together.
It is extremely unhealthy for a person to get married because of familial or societal pressures and may be one of the reasons we are seeing so many divorces. But our generation faces so many challenges that can tear the fabric of a marriage apart, including the Internet, texting, Instagram, Facebook etc.
Many times I watch couples out together, in a hotel, restaurant or a concert and everyone is on his or her cell phone. No one is enjoying the other person’s company or even the show they are there to see. I don’t know if they are texting, playing games, or using their phones for work, but I know that they are not paying attention to each other!
One of my favorite books is Gary Chapman’s book on the five love languages. He defines them as Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Touch. How can a couple work on developing these love languages with each other if they are always busy with something else? Quality time means giving your undivided attention to your spouse. Words of Affirmation can only come when you are actually talking to one another. Each love language requires the spouse to be thinking of the other person.
The idea of young men dating earlier is based on the thought that there are more single girls than boys. Of course, boys who are not ready to get married should not be pushed to begin dating, but some are ready, but it’s their family or rosh yeshiva who are holding them back. There are also boys who are pursuing a career and may be emotionally ready to date but are not yet financially independent.
Not all parents are able to, but investing in your children’s marriage is probably the smartest investment you can make! Yes, it is a financial burden to support a young couple; however, it is a very good investment if feasible. Young couples, if ready for marriage, can grow together and form strong and beautiful relationships! Nevertheless, age does not determine marital success! Marriage is a lot of work and although it can be an amazing, you have to be willing to compromise, give in, and truly want the best for your spouse! Of course you have to be attracted to your future spouse and want to spend time with him or her, but real love comes with time and with a lot of giving!
Thank you for your response and hatzlocha to all of those who are single!