Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing in regards to the letter written by the person who had recently sat shiva for her father (5-27). I sat shiva about 15 years ago, and experienced some of the same insensitivity. People talking among themselves as if I were not sitting on a low chair right in front of them.
In case you think I am exaggerating, three different people called me to apologize for how they acted or what they said when they had come to be menachem avel. There have been insensitive people around for a while. Perhaps the difference is that I received apologies, and today people may not even have the awareness to do so. Another difference is that individual caring has been institutionalized. When I sat shiva, someone went to a chair gamach and bought over the shiva chairs – remember those sawed-off plastic chairs? – another neighbor arranged for the Sefer Torah, while a third made sure there was someone to layn. When we were short for a minyan, a friend made it his business to encourage people by supplying goodies for after davening, and another actually stood outside to gather in those on their way to daven. Nobody picked up the phone and called an organization or sent out a group text or email. We did not have a water cooler, coat rack or mechitza, but we did have caring friends and neighbors. Everybody pitched in using his own ideas and in his own way. This is what we are missing nowadays – the individual approach. People cooked and brought over. Yes, it was chop plop and not so organized, but it was filled with love.
Today, no personal effort is needed or exerted. Recently, someone told me that she goes to a shiva house to fulfill the mitzvah – to go in, give some tzeddakah and say HaMakom. She is not interested in talking to the person sitting shiva.
When the writer mentioned people texting and making calls while sitting in front of the avel, I felt you tried to rationalize their behavior by blaming it on technology, yeridas hadoros and saying that you “don’t think people realize they are being insensitive.” It almost seems as if the onus is on the person sitting shiva to be more understanding!
There is another point I would like to bring up.
A “party” atmosphere has invaded our celebrations. Instead of dignified celebrations of Jewish milestones and yiddish nachas, everything has become a party. Weddings, bar mitzvahs need to have themes, decorations and crazy music. These days you see specially-made hats, t-shirts and other party gizmos – including hip scarves complete with bells and fringes for the kallah and her friends to wear during dancing. A bris must now have balloons and teddy bear centerpieces, plus three types of hot dishes.
As a result, the essence of both simcha and tragedy have been lost and people are slowly forgetting how to behave.
Please Dr. Respler, let’s address this issue and remind people that when a couple gets married a bayis ne’eman is being set up, at a bar mitzvah a boy is accepting upon himself ol malchus Shamayim and when we pay a shiva call it is because someone has experienced a great loss.
Sign me “Tired of Parties”
Dear Tired Of Parties,
Thank you for raising this important issue.
Let me first say that I did not intend to rationalize any inappropriate behavior. Rather, I was hoping to raise awareness and sensitivity among those taking part of an important mitzvah.
There is no excuse for texting while talking with someone who is sitting shiva. Phones should be turned off or placed on vibrate when you walk into a shiva home or, lehavdil, during a chuppah. While many people may feel the need to always be available for elderly parents or young children, we need to be mindful of where we are and act in an appropriate manner.
I also agree with you about the party atmosphere, but I am not sure what can be done except to keep reminding people that the most important thing to do at a simcha is to be misamech the baal simcha.
I appreciate your ideas and insight and thank you for sharing them with our readers.