Being me’vater on your kavod is not easy in any relationship and requires a great amount of self-confidence. You see, giving in does not mean that you are a wimp and allow others to walk all over you; in fact, it is just the opposite. When a person can take a step back from his or her honor, it makes him or her a better person.
You are one step ahead of the game because you have already figured out where the problem comes from. The next step is to take action. The hardest part is being the one to stop the next fight. As you know, even if you think you are in the right, very little will be resolved from arguing. It will be more beneficial for you and your wife to talk when you are both calm and happy.
Share with her the insights you have shared with us and try to come up with a funny word one of you can say during an argument to bring things to a halt. Once you both have calmed down (it may be helpful to go into separate rooms and do whatever helps each of you calm down; i.e., read a book, take a bath, etc.), you can talk about your feelings. Ultimately, you may both have to give in on something. You can learn to be more sensitive to her need for schedules and she can be more attuned to your need for flexibility and spontaneity. This does not mean that the next time a conflict arises you will be pros at handling it; rather, if you keep practicing these skills and continue to have open communication, you will both be much happier. Marriage is always a work in progress, and if you work on it consistantly, it will be more harmonious.
Hatzlocha!