Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about the frightening situation currently taking place in our home. Our family is Modern Orthodox Machmir and we have a television and Internet-connection in our home. My husband seems to make fun of the chareidi community with all of its asifot and proclamations against the Internet, texting, and technology in general.
Well, guess what? I think these rabbis are totally correct. My kids each have their own iPads and are totally focused on the various games they play. They also text their friends all the time. Our older kids have cell phones with Internet access and, honestly, I have no idea what sites they go to and what they do, as I must give them their privacy.
My husband is a technology junkie and has every gadget under the sun. Baruch Hashem for Shabbat, it’s the only time we actually eat together and have family time.
I know that my kids have friends who text on Shabbat, but I insist on taking all their devices before Shabbat and locking them in a closet. My husband does the same with our stuff. But, as soon as Shabbat is over, we all run to retrieve our devices and during the rest of the week it seems as if we hardly see each other.
I am an avid reader of your column and I remember the whole controversy about the teenager whose parents took away her cell phone when they found inappropriate texts. These parents were so smart; I think it might be too late for our family. My kids are all in their teens and I am not sure what I can do to curtail their Internet use. And with a husband who is addicted to technology, my options are very limited.
Dr. Respler, is there anything I can do to help my family?
A Fan
Dear Fan,
As my regular readers know, this is a topic we have addressed many times. However, this week I would like to focus on what secular research says about technology and our children.
Computers and smartphones are keeping our children wired, tired, aggressive, and, in some cases, seemingly psychotic. There are those who believe technology should be considered “Digital Heroin” and claim that battling a technology addiction is harder than battling drugs.
Interestingly, many tech-cautious parents are tech-designers. After doing some research, I found that a great number of Silicon Valley tech-executives and engineers enroll their kids in schools that follow the Waldorf philosophy. These schools believe in hands-on activities and creative play as well as developing strong social skills and empathetic understanding.
Steve Jobs was known to be a notorious low-tech parent; in his home they had tech-free dinners. Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page attended no-tech Montessori schools, as did Amazon creator Jeff Bezos and Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales.
These are all non-Jewish or non-religious people who understand how technology affects our brains. They clearly agree with our dear rabbonim.
As a therapist, I can tell you that technology is killing our community. It leads to inappropriate addictions, divorce, and a complete lack of family time. As you said, Baruch Hashem we have Shabbos.
That being said, there is currently an epidemic of teenagers from very frum homes who are texting and visiting social media on Shabbos and Yom Tov. It seems they can’t begin to disconnect.
So what can you do?
Your first step must be to reach out to your husband. How can you expect your children to be any different if he is heavily addicted to technology? The Shabbat closet is a great idea; maybe you can brainstorm something similar for dinner hour or a time at night by which everyone’s devices are turned off – a technology curfew if you will.
Next, try to get your children involved in activities that are unrelated to technology: playing sports, physical activity, exercise, swimming, yoga, dance or exercise classes. These will all raise their endorphin levels and help them feel good about themselves.
Maybe there are chesed-related activities you can do as a family. This will not only help you all feel accomplished and fulfilled, it will be time you can spend together when it is not Shabbos.
The rehabilitation of your family must begin with your husband and yourself. Children learn more from our behavior than from what we tell them to do. If you want your children to even consider cutting down their screen time, you and your husband must be positive role models. Whatever you decide to do, it must be a joint effort – it is essential that your children see a united front.
Readers, I await your ideas and suggestions for this family and other suffering from technology addictions.
Hatzlacha to all and a gut gebentched yur.