Dear Yael,
I was both troubled and saddened by the letter from the mother whose children were abused by the meshulach she and her husband allowed to stay in their home. The pain and harm this man caused is something that cannot be calculated.
While I think your response was the correct one, there was a critical piece that was not addressed. How could the family not have pressed charges? It was misplaced rachamim to feel badly for this man’s family at the expense of their own children. The proper action would have been to press charges against him. This would have sent a strong and appropriate message to their children that if something bad happens, their parents will do everything possible to protect them.
This brings me to my second point. It seems highly likely that this man has engaged in this despicable behavior before and may have even abused his own children. How could they have just sent him back with a warning? How did they even know that he really has a wife and children and, even if he did, that he still lived with them?
Let this be a lesson to all of us to be vigilant in regards to the people we bring into our home and if G-d forbid something does occur, to take the proper steps to deal with it.
R. B.
Dear R. B.:
I was happy to receive your letter as I felt the same way that you did. However, as the mother seemed so distraught, and they had already sent him back to Israel, it seemed more prudent to focus on preventing child molestation and/or dealing with it more effectively.
Several years ago, I supervised a number of counselors in different schools. At one point, it became clear that one of these counselors was molesting boys under his care. While we did our best to convince the parents of these boys to press charges, they refused. They did not want their children to have to testify in court.
Often, people who are molested are reluctant to report what happened. As a therapist, you can encourage them to do so, but often their reluctance stems from a fear of being put in the public limelight and having to testify against the person who molested them. Frequently, parents do not want their children to testify for fear it will traumatize them further. This creates a very challenging situation. If those being molested refuse to take action, and often won’t give you information about their molester, there isn’t much a therapist, teacher, counselor or rav can do.
As to your second point, it’s not my job to make a parent feel guilty for something he or she did under duress.
However, as a general statement to our readers, I stress again: Do not let molesters go free. Please report them immediately to the proper authorities. If you don’t, you may be putting other children at great risk.
Also, to parents of children who have been abused: make sure they get immediate professional help. Meet with the counselor/therapist first to ensure that he or she is a good fit. Make sure your child is comfortable with the person. If your child does not want to go for therapy with the person you chose, give it a couple of sessions, and then find someone else if your child is still uncomfortable.
Children must be able to play out, talk about, or draw about their experience. Molestation and child abuse will have lasting effects; however, a child will have a much better prognosis if he or she is given the opportunity to express the pain and take back the control lost through the abuse. Even young children need the opportunity to play out their experience with a competent child therapist.
Remember that children don’t just “forget” what happened to them. They may repress their terrible memories, but this will likely affect them negatively at a later point in time.
Thank you again for your letter and hatzlocha.