Dear Dating Coach,
A shidduch was recently suggested for me and she sounds great. All her references talked about her wonderful middos, about how she is a great daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. My parents spoke to the Rebbetzin of the shul her family goes to, and the Rebbetzin also spoke highly of her. We happen to have casual family friends who knew her growing up. My mother called them to ask about her and their daughter relayed a story that happened when they were in high school that portrayed her negatively. In the story, this girl seems petulant and even mean. Now my parents are conflicted and don’t know if I should go out with her anymore. What do you think?
Bad Light
Dear Light,
When we first moved into our house there was a teeny tiny medicine cabinet in a bathroom. Only Polly Pocket would have been able to use that cabinet and so it had to come out. Behind it, we discovered a wallpaper only suitable to people with impaired vision. It was not a color found in nature and so it had to go as well. When we peeled back that wallpaper, we found yet another layer. This one was more unattractive than the first layer (if that’s possible), definitely designed by psychedelic elves with a fondness for neon. So of course, it had to go. Seven layers later, we finally found the original wooden planked wall and realized we should have just kept the mini medicine cabinet and used it for Tylenol and such. (Not bottles of course, they would be too big, but individual pills lined neatly in a row.)
What We See…
You were planning to go out with a girl who was suggested for you. Clearly, there were those who thought she was a suitable match and that you would connect. With due diligence, you reached out to those who know her to find out more. You heard lovely things and grew excited as this “suggestion” turned into a real “possibility.” Then, you heard a negative anecdote from someone who knew her many years ago. This gave you pause, and you now are unsure if you should go out with her at all. After all, the story was certainly not flattering and surely should be cause for concern; right?
Depends Mainly…
It is absolutely important to seek out those who know a potential date to find out more before you go out. Since we date with purpose and intent, we want to go out with those that we believe could potentially be our future partners. While research does not guarantee that you will connect in person, it does give your heart and mind the peace of mind to pursue someone with excitement and genuine interest. People that know this girl now are then valuable resources to you. They were positive when describing her and their experiences with her. Yet, there is that one niggling story from years ago that you have given the power to derail this match before it even has a chance.
On What We Look For.
Now is the time to take a step back and reevaluate. The story happened several years ago when she was a young teen. Sure, it is unflattering, but merely a tiny life snapshot in an otherwise lovely journey. TODAY, those in her life only talk about how wonderful and kind she is. Every single one. If we start peeling back the layers on all of our lives, we will likely uncover unfavorable moments. Finding a match with a magnifying glass in hand, intent on a forensic examination will certainly derail the process. Instead, trust the information you have received NOW, that is relevant today, and that is true of who she has become. Appreciate this opportunity and the beauty that is being offered, peeling just enough to make sure this is right.