Dear Dating Coach,
My roommate from seminary last year and I just both got engaged. At first, I was excited to share this special time with her, but now I’m not so sure. She is constantly gushing about her chosson and posting pictures of them together, and interjects his name into every conversation. I am extremely happy with my chosson and feel incredibly excited to marry him, but I don’t want to announce it to everyone I meet! She wants the whole world to know about her super special connection with her super special chosson, and I just don’t. Now every time I’m with her, I feel like I am being compared to her and failing! Should I be behaving differently?!
Compare and Contrast
Dear Compare,
We have a leak. This is bad news. Plumbers and contractors have been consulted as water continues to flow when it should stay put. The offending cracked pipe is visible, squirting without apology, flushed with laughter at our dazed water bill. Everyone has the same advice; next time, the pipe must be placed underground to protect it. Apparently, a more hospitable home would have concealed the pipe below ground to keep it safe. Our ‘pipe laissez faire’ attitude clearly got us into this mess, and now we are paying the price (literally). So, note to self and public service announcement: pipes are safer underground. You’re welcome. Now, I need to find my rain boots.
Good People…
Mazel tov on your engagement! This can be such an exciting time as you plan your wedding with someone who fills you with joy. You are confident in your choice and feel sure that you have been blessed with someone who will be your true partner to create a future with. He is everything you hoped for and more, yet you don’t feel the need to share this with your local butcher, baker or candlestick maker. You don’t want to post pictures of the two of you (#offthemarket), and you are happy to relish your connection privately. When compared to your roommate’s public display, however, you wonder if you’re missing something in your reluctance to share.
POUR choices.
Something that is valuable is often not placed on display. Money in a bank, jewelry in a safe, passports tucked away. Relationships that are meaningful and strong are also in need of protection and privacy. They don’t need validation from others that they are precious and profound. When someone is self-confident in who they are and what they have been gifted with, they are able to inherently value their important relationships, and care for them with discretion. This does not mean we hide our happiness, or our connection. It does mean, however, that we see no reason to flaunt the bracha we have been given. You are protecting what you have, so sure of the bond you have created with your chosson. You are not waiting for “likes” or a willing audience, because even without #bestcoupleever approval you know that privacy will enhance and safeguard your connection.
