Dear Dating Coach,
I keep disagreeing with the guys I date over a “division of labor.” I think that since today many husbands and wives both work, the household tasks should be evenly divided. It’s only fair that a husband does the same chores as a wife when she is working as well! Many agree with me but then nitpick on the exact division, and some completely disregard my reasoning. This is very frustrating to me, because I already have a demanding job and plan to keep it after I am married and I don’t want to shoulder the household chores as well. Why is this even an argument? Doesn’t this make perfect sense to you? Fifty-fifty is best.
Single but Equal
Dear Equal,
This is My Story.
I was the last brownie left after Shabbos lunch. I somehow escaped the mouth of guests finally satisfied after feasting on cholent and meat. There were many options over dessert, but brownies are a crowd pleaser you know, so I worried that I would be eaten quickly. Instead, hands grabbed my sisters and brothers and the other beautiful treats, but left me behind. I was free! A single brownie on a platter ready to live my best life. The joy! The crumbs I shed with glee! The table was cleared and the food was put away. I was safe. Then, without warning, a little grubby hand grabbed me and held me high in the air. “The last brownie! Want to share?” Two little boys sat down on stools and put me onto a single plate, knife ready to divide. The indignity! I was sliced in half and the halves are not even! The shame! The horror is too enormous to share. I am half the brownie I was! Please, I beg you, never ever divide a single brownie in half. NEVER.
Trying to Earn Brownie Points
Thank you for your letter. I hear your frustration. You believe you have offered a sound and clear argument and many of the guys you have dated agree with your assessment. To you, the lines are clear. Two working adults should share equal parts labor. You present this thought to the guys you are dating, but for some reason, you are not getting the acknowledgement and understanding that you hoped for. This is upsetting to you, and you worry about the amount of responsibility you would have to carry after you are married.
I hear you. Every couple should have a clear conversation about their individual and communal roles. Perhaps longer hours or a higher salary can be a factor? Maybe a guy who learns needs to be acknowledged for his contribution? Does this mean that a stay-at-home mother needs to do everything at home? Every couple should discuss this before they get married. Every husband and wife should have some type of system to make sure that they both contribute to their family in a way that they can mutually agree upon.
I think the reason that the guys are not able to validate your argument however, is not because they can’t agree on your delineated list of chores. I believe instead, that your fifty-fifty attitude is probably holding them back. Marriage is not fifty-fifty all the time. Marriage is not fifty-fifty most of the time. A wife or husband that holds tightly to this belief will likely struggle in their marriage. There are times that a wife must contribute more and there are times when a husband feels like he is shouldering every responsibility. We are not robots. We are human beings who struggle – emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We do our best to do our best, but sometimes, we falter. During those times, our spouse carries the “percentage” that we have neglected. Every spouse must come into a marriage ready to give 100 percent to their future and their growth. But when we struggle, when we fumble, we can rest assured that our spouse will pick up the slack; without a ledger or scale attached. This is what a healthy marriage really is. A willingness to give everything you have, and the security of knowing that someone is there to catch you when you can’t.
