Dear Dating Coach,
I have gone out with a few girls now, and after a few dates I always seem to notice some horrible flaw she has. Then, the flaw is all I can focus on! Now, after a recent date over Zoom due to quarantine, I feel like I noticed things about her that I don’t appreciate even more – as I was forced to be hyper focused on the screen. Will I ever find the perfect, flaw-free girl for me?
Finding Fault
Dear Finding Fault,
Someone in my family, we won’t say who (my cousin), went out with many (millions – ok, not millions, but it felt like that) of girls before he met his lovely wife. He always seemed to find a flaw with every girl he met. Some are embarrassing to mention (she had a strange laugh) and some may have been well-founded (she kept checking her phone and sighing).
One day I sat down with him and explained that he was suffering from Analysis Paralysis. He believed that there was a myriad of choices and thus it was his prerogative to analyze every single one. While, we certainly wanted to encourage him to make informed and conscious decisions when it came to choosing a spouse, he had gone far beyond the parameters of respectable assessment. He lost his way in the sea of shidduchim and needed to focus on what mattered in creating an everlasting and loving home with a future partner. Instead of concentrating on her laugh or her haircut (don’t ask) he needed to consider her character, her temperament, and her integrity.
Keeping it Real
This is not to say, that how we look and how we present ourselves is not of any consequence. We must take the time to prepare for every date and outward appearances definitely make a first impression. It is imperative, however, that you examine and appraise your date’s qualities with much greater care and attention than her appearance.
Rather than looking for a conventional “flaw” she might have, modify your search to center on F.L.A.W. instead. F.L.A.W. = Focus, Listen, Adjust, Wedding.
Focus
You need to focus on yourself and the expectations you have set. Really look in the mirror and assess your priorities. Remember the values that you have been taught and hope to imbue in your future home. Has your focus shifted too far from that core hashkafa?
Listen
Listen to yourself at the end of a date. Specifically, note the words you use to describe your date. Are they all about her outward appearance? Does your assessment of every potential shidduch end with a “She’s seems great, but…”? Listen to how you judge your date and make sure that your appraisal is primarily based on her character and personality.
Adjust
Adjust your priorities so that you become a guy who is looking for someone with good middos and a strong sense of self. Marriage is forever- so be careful to look for a partner whose character will compliment yours throughout. Someone once told me, that at the dinner table a good marriage won’t be represented by the wittiest spouse, the most handsome spouse, or the wealthiest spouse. Rather, by the husband that turns to his wife and asks, “Dear, is your soup hot enough?”
Wedding
We don’t date because we don’t want to be alone in the evening or because we have ‘a diet coke in a hotel lobby addiction.’ We date so that we can connect with the person that we are meant to marry. Marriage is the objective- and every single person you date has the potential to get you to that goal. Remember that on your dates and open your eyes to the genuine possibility that is sitting right across from you.
So go ahead and look for the F.L.A.W. because when you focus on your personal value system and really listen to the faults you choose to see, you can adjust your thinking to center on your dates true merits in order to connect with your life partner on your way to a wedding.