Dear Dr. Respler:
I am married for the second time to a wonderful woman with two sons, whose father died when they were very young. I am very close with the younger one; we go to shul together, we learn together, and he calls me Abba. (He had called his father Tatty.) Unfortunately, I do not have the same relationship with the older son. In fact, he is very cold to me. He tries to ignore me and will say, “You are not my father.” He is a very good student and extremely respectful to his mother. I would very much like to have a relationship with him; however, my stepson appears to feel it would be disloyal to his biological father. He gets upset with his younger brother when he calls me Abba.
My wife has encouraged a relationship between us and even asked his rebbe to do the same. However, that phone call seemed to have backfired – my stepson was very upset that his rebbe had been contacted about this.
My stepson acknowledges that he thinks I am a nice person, but he is not interested in forming a close relationship.
I have no children from my previous marriage and I so desperately want to have a loving relationship with my stepsons. When we became engaged I told my wife that I would raise her children as my one. Please help me do so.
A Distraught Stepfather
Dear Distraught Stepfather:
I think it is admirable that you are trying to raise these children as your own. I would venture from your letter that the stepson you are close with was very young when his father died and may not have many memories of him. This would allow him to feel more comfortable with and less guilty about loving you. Or it could just be that he is by nature a warm and loving person. Whatever the case, since you have a good relationship with him, let us focus on the older son.
As you say, your stepson may feel as if he is being disloyal to his biological father if he demonstrates loving feelings towards you. In addition, he may be subconsciously afraid to love you and then lose you as he has lost his biological father. Thus, he may be building a wall around himself, and creating emotional distance from you.
In any event, I believe that you must persevere in demonstrating a respectful, caring relationship. Allow him his distance; however, give him the feeling that you are available to him when he needs you. I think you should delegate the discipline of this child to your wife and try to focus on what he likes to do. I believe you may find creative ways to reach him and build a relationship that will be pleasing to both of you.
Make sure he knows that you have no intention of replacing his father, that you know it’s not possible, but you do want to be his friend. You can explain to him that you want to learn with him or do things he enjoys, but allow him the space he needs.
We often discuss the pre-teen and teenage relationship in my parenting workshops. Many children of this age will create a wall around themselves when dealing with their biological parents. When presented with a teenager who appears to need more privacy, I will often tell parents the following: If your child says, “Tatty, I really don’t want to talk about this right now. Please leave me alone…” The correct approachwould is to say, “I love and respect you and I understand that you need your privacy right now. Whenever you need to talk to me I am available…” People, children included, are more receptive to speaking with someone who does not demand that they share things with him or her. Similarly, a parent who allows a child space will usually foster a healthy relationship. I am not speaking about giving a child too much freedom, but rather about respecting a child’s feelings. We don’t want to stifle them, but in today’s day and age, we cannot give children too much freedom.