Dear Dating Coach,
A while ago, I read your article that encouraged an older sibling to offer their blessing to their younger sibling to date. So, I felt empowered and proud of myself when I encouraged my younger sister to start dating even though I am still single at 24. She is barely 19 and just got engaged to the second guy she dated. I don’t feel empowered and proud anymore – I feel angry, discouraged, and embarrassingly jealous. I keep smiling and pretending that I am fine and happy for her, but I am mortified at how upset this has made me. What makes her more special? She barely entered shidduchim and hit the jackpot, and here I am- still single and unwanted. Should I have said no when she asked me for my permission to start dating?
First in Line
Dear First,
Here in Florida, we are surrounded by bodies of water. We all know that anything can lurk beneath the surface – and are vigilant and careful. Some of that water however, belongs to swimming pools, where we assume that chlorine is our only threat. Recently, the news featured a typical Florida rain shower that lasted through the night. An unsuspecting couple woke up to see activity in their swimming pool. They debated over their morning coffee what it could be – presuming it could be anything from their lawn furniture, to a fallen tree branch. The brave couple ventured outside to remove the debris, only to discover a huge, rude, beady-eyed alligator doing the backstroke – the pool his new home. This of course reinforces the old adage, “If it walks like a lawn chair and talks like a lawn chair, it’s obviously an alligator.”
When You Are Up To…
I am so sorry that you are struggling. You selflessly extended your best wishes to your sister and her happiness, and wonder why that has made you feel so unhappy. You certainly did the right thing, as evident by the fact that she became engaged so quickly. Her zivug was ready and waiting, and your kindness encouraged her mazel to fruition. You are unsure why this act of generosity has hurt you – how could something so nice, make you feel so bad?
Your Armpits in Alligators…
Unfortunately, doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good. The pain after self-sacrifice can feel extremely hurtful as you are already putting aside your own singular happiness. Watching her ease in finding her match when you have dated for so long rubs uncomfortably at an existing wound. Yet, you did the right thing. You will certainly be rewarded for the love you have displayed, and your sister’s tefillos for you under the chuppah will undoubtedly be heard through her gratitude for this gift you have given her.
It’s Hard To Remember…
That being said, while you are definitely allowed the pain that you feel watching your sister become engaged before you, I believe that your hurt may stem instead from the blow this has delivered to your self-esteem versus your place in line. How could you not wonder at what you might lack that has allowed her to find the right one when you continue to struggle. Your self-worth has taken a blow, and it would only be human to question what you may be missing. This is your true fight.
To Drain the Swamp.
You are worthy of finding your bashert. You are special, and your future zivug will receive the ultimate blessing when you agree to marry him. It is time to look in the mirror and reaffirm the gifts that you have to offer. To look deep within to remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities and talents that you have been given. Regaining your sense of self, your self-confidence, and your self-worth, will reassure you that your time will come. Loving yourself will allow you to release the hurt and the pain, confirming of course that there is nothing wrong with you, or better about your sister. Sometimes it can be easier to align our hurt with an act that has taken place, instead of looking for the true alligator lurking beneath the surface. The predator here is your self-esteem, not a disrupted order of engagement. Your heart has taken a hit, but with love and self-acceptance, you will only affirm that you have always been and will continue to be exceptional – as you continue on your own journey to finding your true match.