Dear Dating Coach,
I am engaged and I am so happy. I feel like we are a great match and we get along so well. While we dated, there were some hiccups and moments that made us pause but overall things went pretty smoothly. We are both really looking forward to getting married. Still, there is a small worry in the back of my brain that is concerned about being happy together forever. How can I ensure our success as a couple, when some of my seemingly happily married friends have gotten divorced pretty soon after marriage? Not one or two, but a least a handful of them. This scares me and I just want everything to work out. How do I make sure we stay happy after we get married?
Solid Match
Dear Solid,
Congratulations on your engagement. This is an exciting time with a lot of big emotions. You are happy to have met your match, you are glad to plan for your future together, and still there is some anxiety about all these changes. It would be unusual for you to not have any concerns as you plan for your wedding. While, we rely on our hearts and our clear thinking as we make this life-changing decision, without a crystal ball, we also accept that there are still unknowns. We don’t know what challenges we might face as a couple, as a family, and how that might affect our unit and our ability to weather a storm. So, we daven under the chuppah for our future, our happiness, and our success, but hope that we will have the tools and the foundation to always be a unified front.
There are however, concrete beliefs that you can commit to now, to guarantee your long-term happiness together as a couple. There are simple but vital rules to ensure that your marriage remains healthy and strong regardless of what may come your way.
Communication
You must commit to communication from the start. If you are frustrated, upset, or unsure, you need to talk about it. There is an art to communication, where you truly listen, absorb and then discuss what you have heard. You cannot leave or walk out when you don’t like the discussion. You cannot yell or scream when you hear something you don’t like. You must do your best to remain calm, to speak and listen clearly and to apologize if necessary. Communication can be difficult. We often have our own acquired style from the homes we grew up in, and the personalities and learned behaviors we bring into a marriage. Study how to communicate effectively and you will prevent small hurts from becoming large issues. Finally, remember to share the positives! Offer loving words, compliments, and mention the kindnesses you have noticed and appreciated.
Respect
Both husbands and wives need and deserve respect. Never put down your spouse in public. Speak kindly and value the gifts and efforts your both bring into a marriage. Appreciate how hard he or she is working, praise her or his efforts with the children, and show gratitude for the energy that you both expend on a daily basis to ensure your family’s success.
Effort
A successful marriage requires that you both give 100 percent of yourselves. There is no 50/50 partnership, there are only 100/100 partnerships. This means that you do not give only as much as you think he or she is giving. It means that you are completely and totally “all in” with a full heart and mind. There will be times when one of you is feeling weaker and unable to give as much, and then your partner will fill in those gaps. But as a rule, remove checks and balances from your marriage and give everything you have in your commitment to your spouse and you will see that they will in turn do the same for you.
So, mazel tov and best wishes for a beautiful marriage as you lay a foundation with communication, respect, and effort.
