Dear Dating Coach,
I’m really frustrated! Everything is going so smoothly! I like him and he likes me. Our hashkafos align so well and we have the same goals. Our families already know each other and are hoping this works out. He is smart and kind and hardworking. He is always so solicitous and generous. It is soooo annoying! He is complimentary and his friends say he is the kindest person they know. Ugh! He told me he wants to propose and make sure to ask me how I was feeling to make sure we are on the same page. Clearly, I needed to reach out to you! Please help!
Smooth Sailing
Dear Smooth,
I’m so glad you reached out and I hope that I can help you before it’s too late. How upsetting for you to have found someone so perfect for you! It is so frustrating when we meet someone that we click with so well. Of course you are concerned! Here, you are dating someone seriously that is right for you in every way. This is definitely a cause for concern and I hope we can step in before you make a terrible mistake.
Look For Good and It will Be Good.
First, make sure to cause conflict by being uninterested on all future dates. Answer all questions with monosyllables or grunts (grunts preferred) and refuse to make eye contact. Laugh when he shares any vulnerability with you and scoff when he talks about the future. Make sure to roll your eyes as often as possible.
Tell your families that they are not a good match. Make sure to malign them and inject supposition and doubt when talking about his family. Definitely hypothesize that the older siblings are married to terrible families as well (that the entire world obviously misunderstands to be good). Make sure to be rude when you meet his parents and insult their home, their food, and their child-rearing. Always sit slumped in your chair.
Go back to the shadchan and ask if they ever use tinfoil pans versus real ones. Investigate their ongoing Shabbos purchases and detect if they have ever purchased take-out or used a plastic tablecloth. Make sure to find out about Shabbos robes. Ask if they have weekly guests and if they do, shake your head in dismay. If they do not have weekly guests, shake your head harder. Gasp and wring your hands at every answer you receive.
Question their kashrus. Ask if they shop only in Kosher stores or if they have ever gone to Target for tissues. Make sure to ask if they use kosher laundry detergent. Look aghast if they use treif Tide or G-d forbid, bleach. Make sure to question their fruit and vegetable usage and if they eat lettuce at all. Look pained at their answers.
Finally, make sure to tell this lovely guy that he is too nice, too smart, too giving, and too kind. Tell him that you are offended by his wonderful middos and his obviously haughty goodness. Then run for the hills, lock yourself in a tower and let your hair grow long… (wait, wrong story). Just run away from mazel and bracha and the beautiful gift Hashem has given you. Phew! You’re welcome!
Just Kidding. Happy Purim. Do the exact opposite.
