Dear Dating Coach,
Now that I am on a dating freeze because of Covid-19, I feel like it’s a good time to reevaluate everything I know about dating. I started dating someone right before Purim and now we are on this forced “dating hiatus.” We still talk on the phone and I sense a real connection, but I’m not sure how I will feel when I see him in person again. This week he started talking about our future together and I panicked! Help! How will I know if he is the one?
Pandemic Panic
Dear Panic,
Secret #1
So it’s time to let the cat out of the bag. My husband actually proposed to me TWICE. I know, I know; it makes you cringe just reading those words. Twice?! The first time was exactly on date 10- as ten seemed to be the acceptable amount of dates for a couple to decide if they wanted to be together forever. While proposal #1 was certainly heartfelt and beautiful, my reaction was not. My hands grew clammy, our dates flashed before my eyes, and my stomach started to flip like a plane in the middle of a hurricane. While I knew that so many things were right about us as a couple, I wasn’t yet sure if he was Mr. Right. So my answer to proposal #1 was not a no, but more like a not yet.
My husband took this response like a champ, sure that this was a challenge that we could overcome. He was right (don’t tell him I said that) and three weeks later with proposal #2, we were joyfully engaged. Was it a happily ever after spell? A magic pill sold to undecided daters? (a gold mine idea- someone should look into that) What happened in those three weeks that allowed us to get to a place where we were both absolutely confident in our future together?
Secret #2
How did I know that he was The One? While we shared the same hashkafos and envisioned similar futures, I still lacked clarity. In those three weeks with more dating we were able to clearly communicate which allowed my heart to understand that our relationship would be successful. I understood intellectually and felt emotionally that he met three specific criteria that I believed and continue to believe are the tools for a successful marriage.
The Big 3
There are three categories that must be met before a couple can decide if they (with Hashem’s help) could make a happy life together.
#1 Authenticity. You must feel like you can be yourself. So much of dating is putting our best self forward. We take the time to dress up, we research interesting topics to discuss, and we prepare our most charming stories to share. After the initial getting-to know you stage, we must feel secure enough to share who we truly are, to not screen every word we say, and to be comfortable enough to not panic when it rains and our perfectly blow-dryed hair frizzes to double its size. We must be able to share our opinions, our thoughts, and our feelings on both meaningful and everyday topics so that we can evaluate if our authentic selves are a true match. This comfort level is essential in forging a connection with your future life partner.
#2 Happiness. When his car pulls up and you carefully part the curtains of your bedroom so that he doesn’t see that you are spying on him with 7 of your siblings — you should feel happy. Before committing to an engagement, when you see him, when you spend time with him, you should feel joy. Getting to that happy place can be difficult as you anxiously dissect every date and every statement and clutch your phone like a lifeline, ready to analyze his “good Shabbos!” text and his use of exclamation points. Every emotion is valid and deserves to be carefully examined, but a commitment should not be made until you feel predominantly happy when you see him. The worry, the pressure, and the anxiety that can come with dating must become a feeling of happiness when you are together before you commit to an engagement. Simply put, he should make you feel happy and you should make him feel happy — so that your marriage can be grounded in joy.
#3 Chemistry. Chemistry is defined as “the complex emotional or psychological interaction between two people.” Chemistry is a connection that two people feel and a vital component of a healthy marriage. Chemistry is a complicated mix of factors that creates a bond and encourages you to celebrate someone and what makes them who they are. A girl who does not feel chemistry for an intellectual bochur she is dating might describe him as bookish and pedantic. While a girl who feels that chemistry, would say he was brilliant and deep. A bochur not feeling chemistry for a vivacious girl might describe her as loud and dramatic, while a bochur feeling chemistry might say she was effervescent and vibrant. Chemistry is perhaps the most important factor needed for a successful marriage. It allows for a fundamental connection that can withstand times of difficulty in your future together
By remembering the big 3 — authenticity, happiness, and chemistry — you are laying a solid foundation on which your engagement and eventually your marriage can grow. Through self-reflection and communication, every couple can determine if they have these three elements needed before an engagement. If you can be yourself, if you feel happy when you are with him, and if you are sure in your chemistry, then you can rest assured that he is the one- and he won’t need to propose twice!