Dear Dating Coach,
I have a really nice circle of friends and a lot of them have already gotten married. Unfortunately, in my friend group alone, I also have three friends who have gotten divorced. With this on my mind, I have become afraid of making a mistake, marrying “the wrong” person and committing myself to someone forever. I feel myself becoming jaded on my dates, distrustful of the process, and unable to focus on finding my bashert. I just really don’t want to mess up. I would really appreciate your guidance. Thank you!
Distrustful Dater
Dear Distrustful,
For me, there is something about the sound of the ocean that feels absolutely peaceful. The predictability of the waves as they rush toward the shore and the soothing noise as the water glides back into the sea. I can listen to the waves and feel my entire body relax. It’s the noise, the smell of the salt and the sand, and the certainty of it all. The waves will glide in and the waves will glide out. You can rely on the repetition of the shore and that allows us to rest assured. We can count on the waves.
Unless of course a tsunami rises up and washes everything in its path out to sea. Would that be unusual? Sure. Possible? Definitely. Wow. Thanks for ruining the vibe.
We Can Only Guarantee that Nothing is Guaranteed.
Thank you for your letter. I hear you. It must be unnerving to see friends of yours, smart friends, level-headed, clear-thinking friends, go through a divorce with all the heartbreak and complications that it brings. It makes perfect sense that you are worried about the unknown and how you really never know “everything” about someone before you are married. While I’m sure there are many happily married couples in your network, those that have suffered through a divorce naturally weigh on you.
Many couples in your circle will get married and build loving and successful lives together. They are the waves we can rely on. They reassure us and give us hope for ourselves. Yet, those that have gotten divorced, especially so soon after marriage, are the tsunami; a surprise, an aberration, and a painful deviation from what they had hoped for. A tsunami happens to kind and good people. Divorce can be a horrible shock to young couples who see no other option. It is unpredictable and destructive.
Instead of planning for the tsunami, we focus on what we can control; our sense of self and the confidence we have to do our best to make good choices. We rely on our own self-growth, and making sure that we are prepared to be full partners and a steady spouse. We look inward to our emunah and our belief in Hashem, and we daven that we are blessed with the gift of a peaceful and good marriage. We date with intention, with positivity, and with determination. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to feel, and to connect. We turn to those we trust to guide us when we are unsure, and we accept that we cannot predict the future. We chose someone with an open mind and we do our best to seek happiness.
This is us finding the waves.
