Dear Dating Coach,
I am engaged to a wonderful guy that makes me feel happy and cherished. We have been engaged only a short while and everything feels right – except his family. I come from a broken home that was filled with dysfunction and his family seems so perfect. I am incredibly intimidated by them; by their closeness, their obvious affection for one another, and their easy dynamic. I feel like a fraud when I am with them, and as if I could never belong. I don’t want to give up on our future, but I’m sure he and his family are just too good for me. What should I do?
Frantic Fraud
Dear Fraud,
Who came up with the concept of “ordering for the table?” You know, where someone in your dinner party decides that you should all order dishes and share with one another. I get the utility of communal appetizers (everyone knows that if you share French fries the calories don’t count), but main dishes should be yours and yours alone to eat in peace. We once went out on a business dinner, and someone (you don’t know her) suggested that we order our dishes and then share as a group. I inwardly cringed when she did this, and tried to erect an imaginary force field around my salmon, but to no avail. She preceded to taste every dish (except her own) and then offered us her unsolicited food critique of every plate. “Too salty, too fatty, too basic, too bland, etc.” She finally noticed her own dish and tasted a bit, sighing in pleasure. “Delicious!” she proclaimed and ate every single bite. The only dish she enjoyed was her own, and it had been sitting in front of her the whole time.
(Yes, I went home hungry.)
The First Thing
Mazel Tov on your engagement! How lucky you are to have met someone that you feel so right with. You describe your family as dysfunctional, and while no family is perfect, it can be extremely difficult to be raised in a home marked by instability. You believe however, that your chosson’s family represents the ideal household, where their connection to one another is based on mutual respect and clear affection. You feel like a fraud, about to be exposed for the interloper that you are, a child raised in a home filled with conflict. Like at any moment, one of them may realize that you are not deserving of their love or to be included in their family unit. You are so hyper-aware of the difference in your families that you truly believe that this could sabotage your future together.
You Need to Remember Is
It can be intimidating to be in any situation that you feel unprepared for. So, take the time to prepare yourself. When you are with them, watch and learn how they behave, and how they communicate with one another. Time itself will afford you a certain level of comfort and perhaps the self-awareness that you are not so different from them. Your inherent understanding of the struggle your family had to cohabitate has certainly taught you “how not to behave.” You may not realize that you have probably already spent years learning the right way to act simply by refusing to conform to their unfortunate behavior.
To Just Breathe
You have a blessed opportunity to be a part of another family that you admire and respect. This is an extra gift that has been given to you in addition to a chosson that you are so happy with. Moreover, perhaps the security of their stability will allow you to more easily interact with your own family knowing that you will now have a safe place to return to. Remember, you owe your family your upbringing and the strength you have cultivated through your years with them. Let your relationship with them continue with this knowledge. Be gracious, be respectful, and as loving as possible. Then, be grateful for the gift of an additional family that is happy to accept you with open arms. Don’t reject the dish you davened for; it was made especially for you.