Dear Dating Coach,
Everyone is engaged except for me. I have a fun circle of friends and they are all married except for myself and one other girl. Well, last night she called me to tell me that she is getting engaged next week. She lives in another state and wants me to fly in for her engagement party. I told her I was so happy for her (and I am!) but when I hung up, I could not stop crying. I do NOT want to go! Now, I am the last one left with zero prospects and an uphill battle. My family is complicated and I don’t have any accomplishments to speak of. I’m not a great beauty or talented, and I barely coasted through school. The shadchanim are not calling and I am feeling so down. Am I the worst? Should I just put a smile on my face and go to her engagement party?
Sad Single
Dear Sad,
I have the opposite of FOMO (fear of missing out). I don’t worry about missing out. I dream of pajamas and a bed that calls for me. “Henni, Henni, Henni,” it whispers. It has the most soothing voice, filled with promises of sweet dreams and a soft gentle rain outside your window. (Do you hear it too?) Yet, we have obligations that silence that voice. Events for school and work, simchas, and the like. We get dressed up and we act responsibly and respectfully. There are however, some things that we are graciously invited to that can be considered optional. A lovely women’s event, an interesting class, or even a dinner out with friends. These are not required of us, but we often talk ourselves into them because we feel badly, we hate to say “no,” we truly want to go, or we feel the pull of FOMO. Sometimes, those reasons are valid and right. And sometimes we have overextended ourselves and then can only offer less of ourselves to our actual obligations the rest of the week. So, I have a secret for you. It’s okay to say, no. It’s okay. Try it. You’ll thank me.
JOMO; Joy of Missing Out
Thank you for your letter. I’m so sorry that you are sad. It’s terrible to be “left behind.” It’s painful to feel “less than,” and it erodes our sense of self and the confidence that we work so hard on. Your circle of friends has moved on to a new stage in their lives. You feel deserted and left without your own opportunities and possibilities for your right match. Your immediate instinct was not to attend her engagement party out of state and then you allowed guilt and anxiety to creep in, making you feel even worse.
It’s okay not to attend. You don’t need to give a reason. You can just say that you wish her the greatest happiness but you won’t be able to fly in. That’s it. No explanation necessary. It’s fine to opt out when you feel like you simply “can’t” and it means that you need a chance to recharge and re-set. So, don’t go and use this time instead to take an honest self-assessment. If you are not happy with something you see or feel about yourself, do your best to change. If you don’t love your appearance, look for guidance from a stylist, a hairdresser, or makeup artist. You don’t feel accomplished? Sign up for some classes or start looking for a more fulfilling job. Volunteer for a chesed organization and see your talents bloom. Speak to someone who can offer you objectivity and clear guidance. Network with shadchanim and friends. Fight for a happier existence. Take this opportunity to improve in all ways so that you feel stronger and understand the blessing that you are. Say no to the party because you are allowed to love yourself. Focus on you. This will bring you a greater sense of peace and will definitely create opportunity and the gift of possibilities.
