Dear Dating Coach,
My daughter was dating a guy for several months. My husband and I were actually friends with the parents before their son asked our daughter to go out with him. It was going very well until a few weeks ago when things changed. He decided to break up with my daughter. Apparently, he is having a hard time with my daughter being a bridesmaid at her cousin’s wedding because he had a falling out with the cousin and her chosson. I don’t understand why he put my daughter in the middle! If he really loved and cared about my daughter, he would respect her and not control her like this. My husband and I love his family very much and they love us too, but my daughter is miserable. Any advice?
Mom Venting
Dear Venting,
Have you ever had a rational conversation with a toddler? A few weeks ago, I attempted one with great success. (Ok, actually slightly unsuccessfully. Ok, a total failure. Whatever.)
It went something like this:
Me: “Toddler dear, you must take your bubble gum flavored antibiotics.” To which my super sweet toddler replied, “No!” (First favorite word.) So I tried reasoning. “Toddler love, you must take your medicine if you want to get better.” My precious toddler responded to that by yelling and screaming, “Pizza!” (Second favorite word.)
(Side point: Pizza flavored antibiotics? Just putting it out there.)
Finally, I used our relationship to try to convince my precious toddler to comply. “Toddler honey, do it for me!” So my toddler ran away. If you see our sweetie pie, tell toddler it’s safe to come home.
As Long As…
Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry your daughter is going through a painful time. You and your husband are also struggling between your love for your daughter, a friendship you hold dear, and your deep concerns about the behavior you have seen. Your daughter was dating someone and everyone was happy. She felt strongly about this man, you already loved the family, and everyone began to dream of white dresses and venues. Then, your daughter was told to rescind her part in your niece’s wedding because this young man no longer speaks to his former friends, the chosson and kallah. Your daughter refused, and the guy you were ready to accept with open arms walked away.
(I just want to note that should you have posed this question after your daughter was married, my answer would be different.)
Things Are Exactly…
They are not married, they were dating. They were close to marriage though, and you worry about ultimatums and a refusal to compromise over family and his choice to walk away when he didn’t get what he wanted. He was fine with using their close relationship to demand that she considers his feelings and not participate in her cousin’s wedding, while seemingly discounting her feelings.
The Way I Want Them…
Controlling behavior is always a red flag. A healthy relationship includes compromise and at the very least a willingness to listen. Furthermore, the choice to break up instead of working things through discounts the meaningful relationship they both worked to build. A relationship over that extended period of time most certainly included strong feelings and emotions, and the decision to move on over this disagreement is worrisome.
I’m Totally Flexible.
I would encourage you to talk to his parents, as you feel so close to them – perhaps with a neutral party, like a trusted rabbi or friend, to set the tone and make sure the conversation remains productive. Together, and with respect, you could discuss moving forward. Maybe he has done some self-reflection or reached out for guidance and regrets his behavior. Perhaps he has additional concerns you are not aware of. If there is a possible resolution, I hope you as parents can help facilitate moving forward. If he is resolute, however, and refuses to accept any solution accept his, then he has given your daughter a gift – the chance to find someone who understands that marriage is built on compromise and mutual respect.
