Dear Dating Coach,
I said “no” to the last three guys suggested for me because of their pictures. Obviously, we didn’t say that to the shadchan, but that’s definitely the real reason. One was the same height as me, one was a bit overweight, and one was blonde (which I do not like). My parents are a bit worried, but understand that I need to like the way a guy looks to marry him. They respect that I don’t want to waste someone’s time if I know I am not attracted to them, and so they don’t push me. But I am a but worried that this is going to continue happening and I’m not sure what to do.
Not Shaiyich
Dear Not,
My favorite dessert is lemon meringue pie. Since I like it so much, I feel like I may be a bit of a lemon meringue maven, and I often eschew a pie that isn’t up to my lemon standards. Sometimes the custard is too sweet, and the crust is too bland. Sometimes, the meringue is gummy and not light and airy. But last week, I opened a kosher magazine and they had a picture of a lemon meringue pie. They included the recipe and it seemed to be perfect, with just the right ingredients and ratios. But I knew from the picture that I would hate it, so I threw the magazine out. Dodged a bullet there, f’sure.
Always Judge a Book By Its Cover. Duh
Thank you for your letter. You are working on dating with intention and you have been mindful to date from a very specific pool of applicants. They need to fit your criteria of middos and good character. They need to be good learners and ambitious of course, and they need to be the right look that you believe suits you best. So, one was not tall enough, one weighed too much, and one had the audacity to be blond. You justify this by reassuring those around you that you are merely thinking of others, and don’t want to “waste their time.” How thoughtful you are. But still, you sit at home, alone, and without Prince Charming to keep you warm.
I agree with you completely, that a couple must be attracted to each other to sustain a healthy marriage. I think you are absolutely correct in hoping that your partner is someone that you admire both inside and out. However, your inability to see past a picture, a number (both height and weight!) your impudence over color preference, and your arrogance in creating a Ken doll just for you, will leave you not only without a date, or mate, but a future based on Torah values. The shocking lack of humility it takes to refuse date after date based on trivial physical details is completely overconfident, and smacks of misplaced superiority and ego.
Change your perspective. Open up your eyes to the beauty that has been given to your dates. Train yourself to notice positives in someone’s physical appearance that are real and true. Remove the societal and Instagram-specific fake beauty standards that you have allowed yourself to become slave to. They are not real. Give someone a chance. Teach yourself to find good looks rather than demand what they should be based on people you have never met, shared a meal with, or had the chance to talk to. Remind yourself that time may add weight, shed weight, lose hair, change hair, go gray, add wrinkles, and the beautiful lines of age. Look in the mirror and reassess what you have convinced yourself you “deserve.” And instead open your eyes to what you should really daven to “deserve”; a partner who is your soul’s equal, who bolsters you, and who you admire deeply for the heart that they have given to you wholly and completely.
