Dear Dating Coach,
I have been dating for many years. I feel like I have an open mind, but I still want to maintain my self-respect when I date. So, while I listen to all suggestions happily. I still feel like I can be selective so as not to waste time at this point in my life. A family member suggested a guy for me. His resume did not speak to me at all. I said no. Now this family member is upset with me for refusing to go out with her suggestion. I think she is being completely unfair. She thinks I am being unreasonable. Who is right?
Sincerely Selective
Dear Selective,
Mushrooms are delicious. Yes, arguably their sources are questionable, but they taste amazing. Even vegans like mushrooms (And vegans don’t like anyone… I mean, anything). I love them sautéed in pasta, over meats, and on top of puff pastry, old school style. I like them raw and whole and sliced. I even enjoy them in a burger when I am feeling healthy (but let’s not get carried away vegans, a hamburger is always better). Mushrooms (to be clear, the ones you buy in the supermarket) elevate every dish you put them on. Our son, however, won’t touch a mushroom. He is “allergic” (nope, he is not) to everything about mushrooms and won’t even contemplate trying one. He is mushroom-mistaken, but he is also entitled to his feelings and personal taste. Right?
I Put the Fun in Fungus…
It’s hard to be single in our communities. It’s not easy to date for such a long time without finding the right person for you. You have dated many guys I’m sure that felt like you should never have gone out with them at all. So, you have learned to be more selective in agreeing to dates, and in doing so you have upset a family member. They felt like they were helping you, and don’t understand why you are not open to their suggestion. And of course, there is always the fine print… especially at your age and after dating unsuccessfully for so long… You feel frustrated by their lack of understanding and they feel like you have become the dater’s worst insult, “too picky.”
A dater must always have an open mind. Objectivity and humility are central to dating and there are certainly times when we can lose ourselves in the exhaustion of it all. It’s hard to date, and perhaps as you age, you feel like you want to date less (quality) instead of just agreeing to every potential but unsuitable suggestion (quantity.) Without knowing you or the specific suggestion, it is difficult to determine if the person suggested is clearly not right for you. We can even argue that a cup of coffee with every suggestion is of value to you, and that a resume at this point says very little of a life lived. Regardless, you are a fully capable adult with real thoughts and feelings. Your choices are valid and they are yours to make. If you are concerned that you have lost objectivity, reach out to someone you trust and ask their opinion. Until, then, right or maybe not right, your decisions are yours alone. Own them and live with clarity and intention.
