Dear Dating Coach,
I am hoping to start dating soon, but I am worried about my reputation. Growing up I really went out of my way to show the world that I would not conform, and always ran in the opposite direction when told to go behave a certain way. This year however, with Covid forcing us all to remain in, I had lots of time for self-reflection. I am no longer the girl who ran after trouble, and now give thought and care into my words and actions. I would like to date people who share my realigned views, but I worry that I will be judged by my past. Will shadchanim, friends, and family, forever judge me by who I was – or will they believe that this is truly me? Will I be able to marry someone right for the new me, or am I stuck with my tarnished reputation forever?
Singular Regret
Dear Regret,
This week I needed cocoa powder. Is there even a hint of menace in that sentence? I think not. Yet, when I reached for the cocoa powder, the sneaky sprinkles lurking behind them on the shelf, leaped (artistic license) without care and crash-landed all over my kitchen floor. Of course, the lid came off. (Hence, the foreshadowing earlier.) Teeny-tiny sprinkles scattered and spilled everywhere – colors rolling about like a drunken rainbow bent on disaster. I swept. I swept some more. Still, I swept some more. No matter my broom’s determination, I found sprinkles in the oddest places for days after. A wayward orange in the pantry, a sly yellow under the dishwasher, and an impertinent green behind the stove. If you find one in your house, it was me. I apologize.
Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel…
Thank you for reaching out! I can hear your sincerity in your words and understand how much effort you have put into your transformation. Change is often complicated and it is commendable to opt for personal growth over complacency and the status quo. You are hoping to be set up with dates who share your improved viewpoint and worry that you will instead by judged by past indiscretions. You represent every day new and improved, but you are not sure that others will adjust their opinion of you regardless of this change.
Because Those Who Matter Don’t Mind…
You are “changed” in many ways. You have taken the time to learn, to grow, and to make positive inroads in your life. You feel transformed and that makes you want to shed your past and what is represented. Yet, you are still you. Albeit, reinvigorated and realigned, but your past is still a part of you. This is not bad. The entirety of where you started to where you are going, creates the story of you as a whole. Embrace the “you” of your past and the “you” of your future because every part has shaped and molded who you are to this day. Sure, you made decisions that you are not proud of. Sure, you want to forget past mistakes. But you will never be able to fully eliminate that part of you and you shouldn’t have to.
And Those Who Mind, Don’t Matter.
Instead embrace how affirming the lesson is that showcase every day. There is always room for growth and there is always time for change. Your inner strength, your learning experiences, and your struggles have delivered you to this point. Instead of agonizing over them, let your decisions continue to be influenced by the determination that shines bright. Perhaps there are those that won’t want their sons for you. Perhaps there are shadchanim that won’t work with you. But this will not change with your apologies and regret. Instead, stand tall and proud of the old you and the new you, and represent your new position with grace and dignity every day. You are special (and always have been) and want to be matched with someone who understands that.