Dear Dating Coach,
I am done. I can’t do this anymore. I have been dating for years and I am no closer to getting engaged then ever. This whole process is not working for me. The pressure I feel from family and friends is overwhelming. I feel like they are constantly judging me having decided I am too picky, too complicated, or too simple. I am clearly doing “this” wrong because I am not married, and I’m just so over it. I want to tell the kind shadchanim to take me off of their lists and I want to stop dating. Please help me find the words to tell everyone so that they can better understand and accept that this is just not the right path for me.
Done Dating
Dear Done,
I used to be a DietCokeaholic. Oh, I can feel your judgment already. I see you and your kale lunches, your organic green teas, and your 96 oz Stanleys filled with Smart Water. Yes, I used to drink Diet Coke. I decided to stop. The only way I could fathom making that happen was by quitting cold turkey. I removed every beautiful can from our home, stuffed every shelf with boring seltzer and painfully missed it for weeks. I felt better, clearer, and healthier. Still, I believed that coke was my drink of choice. Then something shocking happened. I took a sip of Diet Coke at a wedding and it tasted so…sweet, so strange, so not good. My mind was blown. Really only one question remained. Do I try Pepsi? Kidding! I already like Sprite.
A Soda Hit Me Yesterday…
Thank you for reaching out. I hear the pain in your letter. I can feel your frustration, your anger, and your exhaustion. You want to get married. You really do. The shidduch process has just not been working for you and now you want to opt out. You feel the weight of your family’s expectation and are burdened by the idea that you are somehow failing them by not having met your match. You are ready to wave the white flag. You are done.
Lucky for Me…
I hear you. When something is not working, when something feels unhealthy, or unproductive it’s smart to step away. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves so we can see what hasn’t been right for us. Use this time to speak honestly with your family about the pressure you feel. Speak to those wiser than you, to someone you trust, for guidance and advice on using this break for self-growth and self-care. Take a trip, connect with friends, and do kind things for others. Give back to your community, catch up on tasks you’ve put aside, and spend some time alone. Reflect on your time in shidduchim and how your needs have evolved. Give yourself a few weeks at least – to regroup, to breathe.
It Was a Soft Drink.
Then go back to your shidduch team and taste the process again. You might find that the way you have done certain things really doesn’t work for you anymore. You might also discover that you have neglected new opportunities and options for meeting your match like attending dating events, shabbatons, and eating by those who host singles regularly. Perhaps it is time to meet new shadchanim, consider new cities, or more diverse backgrounds. Open your eyes to include the new as you modify the old to better suit you, to better inspire you, and to better support you. You don’t have to date the same way. You have to date the right way for you. Be open to change, and you may find potential in a can you never thought to try before.
