Dear Dating Coach,
I am considered an “older single,” and while I hate that term, I have been told for years that I need to be more “open minded.” To me, this has also meant that I needed to give up on my wants and needs in order to get married. I have finally met a wonderful man and we are discussing the future seriously. This has been so exciting for me until we discussed Pesach. He is from a different religious background and I thought I was ok with that. It seems to be a “concession” that didn’t matter more than ‘we were used to different foods and davened from a different siddur.’ But in discussing Pesach, I am seeing that my life would look very different if I we were to get married and I took on his customs and traditions. Now I am seeing him with new eyes and I’m wondering if this is too much to take on. I would appreciate your advice.
Background Blur
Dear Background,
We went on a family trip and decided to take photos to remember the time we spent there. We dressed up and stood in a line with big smiles as the flash captured the moment. We tried to switch positions to make every picture feel a bit different but it was still our same crew with a new background or pose. Then mid-picture, an adorable older couple we had never seen before and likely won’t see again, jumped right into our family photo and smiled for the camera. When we got home, we waited excitedly for the pictures and loved looking through each one. When we got to the picture with the mystery couple, we laughed and decided to feature it in our album. They definitely don’t fit perfectly into our family unit, but they added something that we didn’t know we were missing. Today, it is the picture we love most.
Kibbeh and Keftes
I am so happy to hear that you have found someone so promising. When you date over a long period of time, you can lose the enthusiasm and drive needed to put your best self forward for every new prospect. It is so exciting that you have met someone that you are contemplating a future with. But with Pesach and the spotlight on minhagim and customs, you now see your “differences” in a new light. You worry that this will be an adjustment you might never be ready for and may be too much to take on. Marriage is filled with new changes, and this feels like it might be more than you are comfortable with.
Kugel and Knishes
I agree that this will be a definite change. It will likely feel new and strange and even overwhelming. While, we follow the same Torah and mitzvos, our backgrounds and histories allow for varied customs and nuance that add flavor to the standards that we share. Still, even with this change, I would suggest that you would be making a mistake to let him go. Sure, your Yom Tov might feel different, and your customs might look new, but the man you are dating is one and the same. His character, his personality, his hashkafa, and his integrity all stand strong whether they are flavored with rice or shmaltz. Look at the man as a whole, and believe that the “things that don’t belong” might be what you were missing all along.
