Dear Dating Coach,
I’m confused. I dated a guy for a while and then he told me he was not ready to get married so we went our separate ways. I was hurt and frustrated because I was so sure then that he was the one. Since then, he will periodically reach out to me to “check in.” He says he wants to be friends. He has explained that he was just not ready to get married then, but he feels like he is getting closer to being able to commit. I feel so happy after I speak to him, but then I won’t hear from him for months and then he will reach out again like no time has passed. When I question him, he assures me that I am very important to him and that if would he be in the right frame of mind to marry anyone it would be me. My family and friends are all offering their many and conflicting opinions on our relationship status but I just feel sad and confused. What do you think?
Single, Maybe
Dear Maybe,
Everyone (ok, at least a few people) have been talking about the weather this week in Florida. It has been beautifully breezy, and there was a full hour where sweaters were actually warranted. We know that this time will be brief but we intend to enjoy this seasonal change while it lasts. While we technically include ourselves in the fall, winter, summer, spring lineup, our seasons are probably better classified as hot, hotter, hottest, and OMGITSHOT. So, when my preschooler asked me when it will snow, it was time for an honest conversation. Sure, anything is possible, but truly there is not a chance in… well, you know; this heat.
A Snowballs Chance in Florida
I’m so sorry you have been going through this. It never feels good to be in any sort of limbo, and you have been placed here against your own volition. Furthermore, you have been relegated to a place where you often don’t feel like a priority or fully respected. While this is someone you really like, someone you even imagined marrying, you are not comfortable in this place of indecision. You don’t want to make a mistake by dismissing the person who could potentially be your zivug, but you are also not happy to live without any form of real commitment. So, you are faced with a choice and the voices of and many opinions of those who care about you.
While I don’t know you and I don’t know him, I do know this story. I’m sure you are lovely, and you are certainly worthy of commitment and love. But it will never be from him. He does not love you. He will not “come around.” And if he is every ready to make a commitment, it won’t be to you. I’m so sorry. This is definitely not about you. This has no bearing on your character, your actions, or what “you should’ve or could’ve” done. He does not want to marry you or he would have done so already. You are too valuable and too precious to allow this to continue. It is time to block his number and any form of contact that you have. It is time to move on. I know this is a painful answer, but the dynamic that you have perpetuated is even more painful. Let him go, and by doing so, you will be set free to find the right person for you. Someone who chooses you first and always.
