Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating someone pretty seriously. We have gone out many times and I felt like I was almost ready to discuss an engagement. But then, over Purim my brother came home from yeshiva and said he saw the guy I am dating at someone’s house and he was really drunk. Really, really drunk. My brother thought it was a joke, but it bothered me. Maybe he is a drinker and I just don’t know? Maybe he lacks self-control and now I will face a lifetime of being married to someone who drinks too much? I am upset and confused and feel like maybe we shouldn’t go out anymore. My parents want to speak to his rosh yeshiva and everything is a mess. Any advice you have would be appreciated.
Drunk Dating
Dear Dating,
My four-year-old likes to ask us deep questions at the crack of dawn. Every query requires a PhD, a rabbinical source, and a deep dive into Google, and they are all asked before 6 a.m. Picture yourself deep in your REM cycle, relaxed and dreamy, and then, “Will there be dinosaurs when Moshiach comes?” “What is the second fastest animal in the world?” “Where is Haman now?” “How many bones do I have? Teeth? Muscles?” “What day of the week is it?” “Why is it Wednesday?” And finally, “WHY?” The questions overwhelm me. “Umm, I don’t know…let’s ask Siri, our Rav, can I phone a friend?” But then, I open my eyes, take a deep breath, and I thank Hashem for another day. I smile and say, “Great question! Let’s find out together.” And that’s exactly what we do.
Breathe. For Real
This is an exciting time that brings all of our anxieties to the surface. You have been dating happily until “A Purim Shpiel” sent you spinning. He was drunk and that scared you. I really dislike drinking too, so I feel you. Now you are worried about something you didn’t know you had to worry about. Is he a drinker? Should we hide the alcohol? Your parents got involved, and possibly his rosh yeshiva. It’s turned into a “thing” and now you want to just opt out.
Now Breathe Again
You like him. You really do. You have had a great time together. You connected. Your parents did extensive research. They know he has qualities that they felt made him worthy of you. You have spent time together. Now, trust yourself. Trust the process. And then reassess the situation and your comfort level. Yes, he was drinking (gragger shakes for sure). Yes, it was Purim, not a random Tuesday. No, you have not heard that he overdrinks and he certainly has not on your dates. Yes, you can reach out to his rosh yeshiva for an assurance that he does not make drinking a common practice, and then you can finally, breathe. This threw you, but you reacted without calm or purpose. Reevaluate what that says about your character too, and then discuss this with him. Share your concerns and then listen to what he has to say. You will never have all the answers before you get married, but you must have enough confidence in each other to find those out together.
