Dear Dating Coach,
I just don’t get it. I am only writing this to be totally transparent, not to “toot my own horn.” I am 26 years old and I have been dating for 6 years. My family is really well-respected and many come to my father for help and support. My two older siblings are married to people from great families as well. I often get compliments on my looks and I have a masters degree and a good job. I try to do good in my community and I am a hard worker. I know a guy would be lucky to marry me. Yet, I still have trouble getting dates, and so far, no luck in getting anywhere near an engagement. I’m just a little baffled. I don’t get why this has taken me so long and I see girls younger than me and less “everything” getting engaged every day. Is there something I am missing? I can’t figure it out.
Ten out of Ten
Dear Ten,
Thank you for your letter. I can hear your sincerity and your genuine confusion. You have so many wonderful attributes and you are concerned about how difficult the dating process has been for you. So first, to be perfectly clear, Hashem runs the world. We don’t know Hashem’s plan and we can only do our utmost to grow and improve; to do good, to be good, and to create a vessel for mazel and bracha. That being said, it is very important to take an objective look at ourselves when we are dating. This honest reflection is not easy and can be distorted by our long-held beliefs or by the way we have been taught to measure ourselves. Perhaps you have done this, and you are completely transparent and self-effacing. If you are not totally sure though, it is imperative that you take the time to do this now.
Arrogance
There is no room for arrogance in dating. There will always be someone prettier, richer, smarter, and more talented than you. There will always be a girl who is “more” than you. If you do not see these girls, and only see those that are “less” than you, read this article carefully. Every year, hundreds of girls come home from seminary who are graced with many gifts. They are beautiful, smart, and talented. They are younger than you. They are eager to start dating. Certainly, you would agree that at least some of those girls are as accomplished as you are. I am glad you know your worth and this does not mean we have to put ourselves or our accomplishments down. It does mean, however, that haughtiness can never be confused with self-confidence. Feel pride in your success, in your family, and even with your looks, but never forget that humility must be laced throughout. Arrogance is off-putting and repels those around you. Self-confidence gathers people toward you. Know the difference.
Objectivity
Are you sure you have been totally objective in your self-assessment? This can be hard and it is often helpful to enlist someone you trust to guide you through this. Are there ways that you can improve? In your middos? In your character? In how you present yourself? Is there more you can do to enrich your dating life and to be a better person overall? There is always room for growth and improvement. Always. If you are coming up empty, then you are not doing the work.
Dating Pool
Expand your dating pool. Define the qualities that are non-negotiables for you. If they revolve around looks and success, go back to the drawing board. Focus on kindness, goodness, compatibility, attraction, and hashkafa. Life is full of physical changes, but goodness is something that you can rely on. Reconfigure your priorities and the pool you are willing to chose from. This takes bravery and honesty and a sincere commitment to building a marriage with someone of real value. Think about what matters long term, and let go of a “name,” or impressing people who have no bearing on your successful future. If you have not done this yet, I implore you to do the work. Your entire dating process will shift and your eyes will open to what truly matters; a happy life with a loving partner.
