Dear Dating Coach,
My older sister just got married and at 20, I am ready to start dating. My whole life I have been compared to my sister. She is amazing in every way – vibrant, beautiful, giving, successful at everything she has ever tried, and everyone loves her. I pale in comparison and she has always outshined me without trying. Now with shidduchim, I worry that I will always be the less exciting option and passed over because I’ve been labeled ‘less than.’
Second Place
Dear Second,
Oh, the donuts. Chanukah has passed, but the donut memories (and calories) live on. The tantalizing options at the bakery counter were inspiring! Strawberry shortcake, Ferrero Roche, unicorn, and bubblegum! Every donut glammed up to the nines beckoned to me through the glass knowing I just had to try them. (You weren’t there, they were definitely “beckoning.”) Some were delicious, and some were disappointing. But by day 8, I knew two things; my skirt obviously shrunk in the wash and you can only rely on the jelly donut.
One Thing Nobody…
This is a special time for you. Shidduchim are about finding your right match and you are about to start the process. You worry however, that you will yet again be compared to your sister who has effortlessly shined where you may have struggled. You celebrate your sister’s happiness, but after a lifetime of comparison, you fear that you just won’t measure up. You have experienced this first hand, so of course you believe that her sparkle will leave you looking dull and plain.
Can Do Better Than You…
As Eleanor said, “No one in the world can make you feel inferior without your consent.” They can certainly try by subtly putting you down with their inadvertent comparisons. They can hurt you with their comments when they mention her successes and cause pain with their surprise that you are not a mirror image of your overachieving sister. But they can only steal your self-confidence if you allow them to. They can only rob you of your self-worth if you are unwilling to safeguard it. Sure, she has been the bright and shiny option for so long, giving you the ability to remain in the shadows. But she never put you in the background, you allowed yourself to be placed there. Sometimes the labels we believe have been given to us stick because we reinforce them in our own minds. We can rip off that ‘marker’ at will, but instead we choose to super glue those labels to ourselves. This breeds complacency, giving us permission to wallow in the branding we believe is ours forever. Yes, the label may have been assigned by others, but we get to choose if we want to keep it.
Is Be You.
We all have unique abilities and talents. Some are gift wrapped in shinier paper, but everyone holds value. You need to focus on your unique worth, on your inner confidence, and on the tremendous gift that you are. Use this time to unearth what you have to offer yourself, a spouse, and your community. Then if you still worry about your “wrapping,” work to enhance how you present to the world. Invest in your appearance, in your wardrobe, and in your education to be fully confident that you are worthy on the inside and out.
Sure, there will always be ‘lotus cookie topped donuts’ among us, but those jelly donuts will outlast them all.