Dear Dating Coach,
I have been going out with someone for a couple of weeks and things are going well. I don’t think either of us are ready to contemplate walking down the aisle, but so far so good. On our last date, he told me that he is going on a “friends’ trip” for 6 weeks cross country. They will be camping and exploring and the whole trip sounds like a lot of fun. I just don’t think I am ok with waiting for six weeks! Am I wrong? I am interested in him and we have been making progress, but a six-week break sounds unreasonable to me. What do you think?
Time Out
Dear Time,
It’s the classic Shabbos dilemma. One I’m sure you have faced countless times with great difficulty. (Disclaimer: This may be hard for some of you to read and may bring up painful feelings.) You sit at your beautiful table laden with delicious meat dishes and you think to yourself, “Do I want to become fleishig?” I know, I know. This sentence is probably a trigger for many of you and I hope you can regroup after reading this. Do you? Don’t you? This is serious. Cholent vs. pizza? How can one be asked to decide? Ultimately, you weigh the pros and cons and decide what matters most to you. Priorities. This stuff is heavy.
Thank you for reaching out. I’m so glad that this process has been smooth thus far. You thought you were making progress and suddenly this piece of information has thrown everything off. Are you not important to him? Granted, he may have planned this trip before he ever met you, but how can he be ok with this? You are confused, hurt, and not comfortable being left aside while he road-trips with friends. At the same time, you feel like it would be foolish to throw your connection away while questioning your feelings at the same time. Does he not feel like you matter? Are you not a priority?
I Save My Calories for Wine. It’s Called Priorities.
I agree that a six-week break so early in your dating process is complicated and perhaps even unrealistic. When your connection is still so tenuous and new, it can be hard to nurture it with six weeks dividing you. It’s time to talk. Tell your date that you have really enjoyed the time you have spent together. You like him and you like where this is going. You are glad he has a fun trip planned with friends and you understand why he wouldn’t want to miss it. At the same time, you feel like six weeks is too long to go without dating. You worry that your “newness” will not last through such a long period apart. Would he consider flying to you during his trip once or twice so that you can date? Every state is merely a plane ride away and perhaps you can fly to their location as well. It would be nice for you to see a portion of the trip and would allow him to share this part of himself with you. When your connection is a priority for both of you, everything will come down to logistics. Plane tickets and locations. If he is open to this, you can rest assured that he wants to make this work and if he is absolutely opposed, you will need to have a more difficult conversation. Our priorities define us and tell those around us what matters most to us. We are rooting for you both, and that your priorities are aligned.
