Dear Dating Coach,
I am 39 years old and I am dating a great guy who is 48 (he is previously divorced with a teenager). On the one hand I feel incredibly lucky as we are really close to getting engaged. After all these years of dating I cannot believe that I am finally about to get married. I am so grateful for this blessing and this man. But it’s not perfect. He is older than I thought I would date, not the look I envisioned, he comes from a totally different background than me, and he has a teenager! We have had some disagreements already (where to live, work responsibilities, and priorities) and we have not had a magical love story. We both really respect, admire, and value each other and believe that we can have a successful marriage. I guess I just hoped for more of a whirlwind romance and not the imperfect (but mostly happy) relationship we seem to be building. Am I making the right decision?
Steady Single
Dear Steady,
My husband and I went out to eat (so fun!) to a restaurant that we had never been to. It was adorable and tiny and delicious and the restaurant seemed to be incredibly busy with satisfied customers. We had a wonderful time. But thank goodness we decided to eat there! Five minutes into our stay, we already agreed that the layout was wrong and needed to be redone to accommodate more tables. We made important changes to the menu and had a host of lighting suggestions. They were super grateful for our ideas and advice and revamped the restaurant the very next day! What? They did? NO! Of course not. We didn’t say anything and these changes have not been made (yet). Perhaps on our next visit? No! The restaurant has been operating quite successfully without our input until now and would likely (definitely) resist our unsolicited suggestions. Maybe if we eat there once a week for a while, we can carefully suggest a table addition? (This really needs to stop!) The restaurant is complete and a success, and change at this point is definitely not guaranteed.
Picture Imperfect
What an exciting time for you! You deserve every moment of simcha this time might bring as you have waited so long for this celebration. You are happy and really appreciate the bracha that has entered your life, but you worry about the lack of ease and simplicity that this shidduch brings. There are so many positives (enough for you to want to get engaged) but you are not blind to the complications and “imperfections” that will be a factor in your marriage from the beginning. You worry about his age, his overall look and the child that will now be yours as well. You are both fully formed adults and that has also brought disagreements into your dating life that will not disappear with your marriage. You want to marry this man, but you had hoped for a smoother, lighter, journey.
You are both not in your early twenties when a couple might still have some growing up to do (that they then can do together). You are both fully functioning adults who have been self-sufficient for years and years. You support yourselves, make all of your own decisions, and have had a lifetime to form ideas and opinions that are solid and feel good to you. This makes your union more complicated because you are not two balls of clay becoming one formation, you are two formed structures that must create a passageway to connect one to the other. While this is not simple, it is certainly possible. While, you may see that you are less malleable, you may notice that you are wiser, and more focused on what truly matters in building a happy life. This maturity will aid your union as you learn to co-exist. The pain you have suffered until now as a single has given you the tools to seek happiness and pleasure in honest communication and self-growth. This will allow you to build a happy marriage, that is steady, strong, and true. So go for it. We are very happy for you.
