Dear Dating Coach,
When a few people I know all mentioned the same guy, I got excited. To me this meant that this might be the one. So, when he said he wasn’t interested in a date, my friends and family asked again. And again. Eventually so many people asked that he said yes, and I still felt hopeful. Yet, from the first minute I could tell that he had no interest. He only wanted to meet for coffee, barely made eye contact, and was completely not present during our date. I am so frustrated now at him, myself, and this whole dating process! He didn’t even give me a chance! Where do I go from here?
Cup Half-Empty
Dear Cup,
Picture this. You decide to take Toddler Walking Champion with you to visit a friend on Shabbos in a neighborhood with no eiruv. The walk there is quick and easy and the visit is wonderful. The walk back starts off well, and then on block number two, things start to go south. Toddler Walking Champion decides that walking is overrated and plops down onto the sidewalk. From neighboring windows, she is an immovable doll covered in winter coat, sticky hands, and determination. You encourage, beg, cajole and bribe (this is a no judgement zone!) Nada. TWC is walking no more. If this has happened to you, I feel for you, and if you see my TWC – send her home please.
Will You Give Up…
You are doing everything right. You are actively dating and encouraging your friends, family, and shadchanim to advocate for you. Of course, you felt hopeful when someone was suggested by multiple people. Being open to possibilities is wonderful, but a guy that many in your circle thought would be a good fit would encourage any dater. You did not dwell on his refusal at first to go out with you and focused on the positive when he said “yes.” Yet he was clearly uninterested and did not have the manners, mentchlichkeit, or open mind necessary for a successful date. This left you feeling hurt, insulted and justifiably frustrated.
Give In…
You are responsible for yourself, your actions, and your reactions. Your behavior before the date, during the date, and after the date are under your control. You do not have the ability, however, to puppeteer your date. One of the most difficult components of dating is the ability to maintain your enthusiasm during the process. Dating can be hopeful, exciting, and promising. It can also be daunting, infuriating and painful. The commitment to enthusiasm is not easy, especially after a challenging dating experience, but it is vital to your success toward the chuppah.
Or Give it Your All?
Dating someone who is enthusiastic offers hope and promise to every date. Someone who looks happy to be with you, someone who is dressed carefully and is fully engaged encourages their date to respond in kind. This is not a guarantee that they will appreciate your gifts and feel a connection, but it certainly bolsters your chances. An unwillingness to fully participate and the chutzpah it takes to show active disinterest on a date showcases a disrespect to all daters. Dating is hard. Enthusiasm can be exhausting. Show regard for the dating process with your pledge to give every single date your all, and you will see a difference. If someone is disinclined to do the same, move on and keep that smile despite them. You will meet your bashert, because you refuse to stop walking until you get to your destination.