Dear Dr. Yael:
I have been married for several years and while my wife and I have not been blessed with children together, we each have a son from our previous marriages. My son is fourteen, and my stepson is thirteen. Baruch Hashem, my wife and I have a good marriage, however, there is an issue that troubles me.
My family has gone out of the way to accept my stepson, while my wife’s family has not done the same with mine. Almost from day one, at all gatherings and on holidays, my parents, brother, aunts, and uncles give presents to both boys, making no distinction between them. Both boys’ birthdays are always acknowledged by my family and there are pictures of both boys displayed near those of my brother’s children.
My in-laws, on the other hand, never seemed to accept that there is a new grandson. They display pictures of my stepson, their grandson by blood, but any pictures of my son are in an album. After my stepson’s bar mitzvah celebration, everyone was invited to order photos; my family ordered pictures of both boys, and my in-laws only ordered pictures of my stepson. Now in all fairness, my in-laws do not live in the same area as us and my parents do. And when I mentioned to my wife once how much it bothered me, her parents began to send my son gifts.
Unfortunately my father-in-law’s health took a turn for the worse and he was placed in a nursing home. My wife, stepson, and I recently went to visit. My son did not come with us, as he generally does not travel well. At the nursing home, my mother-in-law proudly introduced us to everyone. One of the staff asked my mother-in-law if this was her only grandchild and she said yes. During the same trip, she told me I had to put my wife before my son.
I was very angry but I did not say anything to my wife until we got home. When she spoke to her mother about what happened, her mother said that she has a hard time thinking of my son as a grandson because she has very little contact with him.
Dr. Respler, as far as I am concerned, a family is a package. When one marries someone with children, all family members must accept them. If my in-laws cannot accept the fact that my son is part of the family, I would rather they reject me. I am curious to hear your thoughts.
D.T.
Dear D.T.:
I so understand the hurt you are feeling and I do agree that your wife’s family is being insensitive when it comes to your son. However, I think you should try to not feel as if you are being rejected. The in-law relationship can be complicated, and it does sound like your wife is a very special person. You marriage is of paramount importance, and from your description it sounds like a good one. Do not give your in-laws the power to destroy it.
Try to see the situation as one in which they lack, not you. They don’t live near you, so you don’t have to be intimately involved with them. As long as you respect them and treat them properly, you are doing the right thing. It is hard to change another person’s behavior and it does seem as if your in-laws will never treat your son as their own grandchild.
You can try bringing up this issue with them and explain how much it would mean to you if they took more of an interest in your son. Your wife might also want to speak to them, but only if it won’t cause any tension between the two of you. Your son has a good relationship with you, your wife, and your parents, and, I assume, your stepson – I don’t believe there will be any psychological ramifications from a lack of relationship with your in-laws.