Dear Dating Coach,
When I was dating my wife, we always had a great time together. Now we have been married a few months and she is telling me that she feels like I was more present, and our time together was more exciting, when we were dating. This is hurtful and worrisome to me. I want my wife to be happy, but we are married, not dating. How do I recreate that feeling for her?
Dating No More
Dear No More,
My son is learning to drive. This is not for the faint of heart. Not to worry – if you see us on the road, you are probably safe. Maybe. He quickly learned the different gears but really loves that D: drive, drive, drive (it might be safer if you get off the road for a bit after all). While working on parking in an empty lot, he wasn’t happy with the alignment of the car. Slightly over the line, and to the right, the car was off-center. He stopped for a minute to assess, and then simply reversed and re-parked precisely in the assigned spot. A shift in gears was all it took.
Realistically, you are no longer dating and the everyday schedules and routines we have with jobs, schooling, etc., can take away some of that inherent excitement that dating and the unknown offer. While feeling settled and secure is a gift, we can sometimes lose sight of the joys we brought to each other while dating. This is easily remedied with a shift in perspective. We can still bring romance and joy into the daily minutiae with a commitment to each other and simple guidance.
Focus, care, and concern will get you there.
Focus
When you are with your wife, focus on her and your time together. Put your phone away, and ask her about her day at the dinner table. Notice what she is wearing, and the attention that went into dinner. Offer compliments and gratitude. Your focused attention will remind your wife of your total interest in her and all that makes her unique. Focus is a powerful gift that tells the person you are with that they matter to you and that you would rather be there with them than anywhere else or with anyone else.
Care
Listen to what she shares with you and show her that you care. Bring home small gifts that will infuse your marriage with the spontaneity of dating. A funny anecdote you saved to share with her, a chocolate she loves, a card that made you think of her, or any small gift “just because.” This does not require a large budget or tremendous effort. But the care is a beautiful reminder that you want to be there for her and you have been thinking of her.
Concern
When she shares hurts or hard feelings, she is likely looking for empathy rather than a solution. Be mindful of the concern you offer rather than your ability to solve a problem. This is a wonderful tool to remind your wife that you will always be there for her. Your concern will fill your home with love and sensitivity.
Every moment can include focus, care, and concern. A planned date night is lovely and encouraged, but these tips are all easily utilized on a trip to the grocery store together as well. While dating you spent your moments showcasing that you would be a valuable partner. So, take a moment to shift and your focus, care, and concern will allow you to be that perfect partner always.
