Dear Dating Coach,
I am engaged! I am so happy with my chosson and feel excited about the future. But since the wedding planning started, our parents have done nothing but argue! My parents want a simple wedding similar to the simchas they had for my older siblings. My chosson’s family would like a fancier affair and keep “suggesting” additions to the wedding that have my parents seeing red. This had been so stressful for my parents and I feel so uncomfortable! Some of the “nicer” add-ons seem great, especially if they want to pay for them, but then I feel upset that my parents feel pushed and maligned planning a wedding that is certainly “good enough.” I feel stuck in the middle and very anxious! Please help!
Kallah Stress
Dear Stress,
Teenage drivers. Just those two words are enough to instill fear in our hearts. Brand new drivers in cars they believe they know how to maneuver, while learning the rules of the road. Their confidence is inspiring, yet totally delusional, as they embrace this newfound independence. The open road! The freedom! “Wait!” we shout. “Seatbelt!” we prompt. “Adjust your mirrors,” we advise. “Be aware of your surroundings!” we beg. “Slow Down!” we yell. They laugh, at ease in a car they cannot afford, as they cruise down the street, ready to go somewhere, anywhere, that isn’t here. We train ourselves to relax in the passenger seat, to stop pressing the imaginary break at our feet, and to offer positive encouragement in a voice that does not sound strangled and full of fear. Then, out of nowhere, a huge monster truck (ok, a small Prius) approaches, unaware that our precious baby is at the wheel. “Stay in your lane!” we roar, our hands protectively blocking our child from all incoming (imaginary) traffic. “Stay in your own lane!”
Merge
Mazel tov on your engagement! I am so glad that you feel secure with your chosson and excited about building a life together. Your happiness however, has been affected by your parents’ inability to come to an agreement about the wedding. Both believe that their vision of your special day is appropriate and right and feel frustrated and aggrieved by the other set of parents’ inability to acquiesce. You in turn, feel caught in the middle. You are intrigued by the more extravagant additions, yet protective of your parent’s views and finances. How can you make them come to terms and “just get along!?”
Yield
I know that this will be uncomfortable for you to hear and will not offer you the satisfaction and peace of mind that you crave, but I need you to “stay in your own lane.” Unless you or your chosson are contributing financially to the wedding, this is not your business. Sure, it is uncomfortable when parents disagree over finances and you cannot help but overhear and absorb. But this is something that your parents need to work out with your new in-laws and they do not need your input or advice. They will work this out. Either, the parents will come to an agreement before the wedding and everyone will feel the “kumbaya” spirit under the chuppah, or they won’t, and will have to temporarily agree to a ceasefire as they walk you down the aisle. Either way, their fight is not your fight or your chosson’s fight and if you make it so, it will become your fight. I am not going to minimize the discomfort that this must bring you. It’s not a fun position to be in and it definitely casts a pallor on the wedding planning. Still, it is not your battle to win. Your job is to be polite and appreciative to all parties. That’s it. Stay in your lane. Trust me.
