Dear Dating Coach,
I am not going home for Pesach. Nothing you say will convince me to change my mind. I am dating someone pretty new in the city that I am currently living in and I want to continue dating him over Pesach. My family lives quite a distance away. So, I have decided to stay in my apartment and I will join a community seder and maybe do one with friends. My family thinks I am crazy and I keep getting calls to change my mind. How do I tell them to back off and leave me alone?
Home Alone
Dear Alone,
It seems like you have made up your mind. While I don’t have a magical “silencing potion” for your family to stop asking you to change your mind, I do have some ideas for them. Perhaps, your unwillingness to put your dating on pause for a couple of weeks stems from other frustrations that have built over time. Often singles who go home for extended holidays struggle with the expectations they are met with upon their arrival.
So, if you have a family member who is single, please read the following carefully so that your single will not look for reasons to avoid coming home.
Child-Care Provider
Your single is not running a day care center when she is home. She is not the activities director for her nieces and nephews and she is not their nanny or nurse. Sure, a single loves her younger siblings and her nieces and nephews, and she enjoys playing with them as she sees fit. She is not the babysitter. She is not the early morning wake-up caregiver and she is not the “we never get to go out” hired help. Watch your own children.
Transportation Manager
Your single is not there to be the holiday gopher. “We just need…” Or “we ran out of…” is not a refrain that should only be directed to the singles in your life. Sure, she can assist, but absolutely not every time. Anyone in the home with a license or legs should offer to run out for eggs or any other miscellaneous items needed. The single is not home to run errands from dawn till dusk or to make constant airport runs. Everyone needs to help. Drive yourself.
Housekeeper
The single is not the housekeeper. Yes, she can wash dishes and sweep a floor or two. But your single is not supposed to clean the playroom from the toys that your children have left behind. She should not be wiping up spills, crumbs, and left behind plates that you conveniently leave behind. Clean up your own messes. It’s just rude not to.
It is a bracha for a single to be with her family for a yom tov. She loves you and your children. She is happy to spend time with your kids and to help around the house. She does not like to feel abused and used. Be respectful of the singles in your life and they will look for reasons to be with you instead of running away. Pamper and cherish your single and they will love being home.
