Dear Dating Coach,
I have been dating for a while and have not yet found the right person for me. I have a sister who is two years younger than me and a few years ago when I started dating, we felt like we had all the time in the world before she too would enter the dating parsha. Yet, despite my parents’ efforts and mine, I have not yet met my bashert and my sister is definitely past the age where it would be appropriate for her to date. I know I should tell her and my parents that she should start dating, but I am terribly conflicted. I worry that she will get married before me and I am simultaneously anxious that I am holding her back from her future. Please help me.
Older Sister
Dear Sister,
We needed a tree guy. A tree guy is not a grass cutting guy or a flower bed planter. A tree guy doesn’t weed your lawn or trim your bushes. A tree guy cuts trees and we needed one fast. Our trees were overgrown and attracting our nemesis; the iguana. So, we asked a grass guy, who asked a flower guy, who knew a tree guy, and he materialized one day in the early morning hours. We carefully explained our tree troubles and he confidently assured us that he would take care of the issue. Later, the evening, we came home and surveyed the backyard. The tree guy cut too much of our trees! We were not prepared for his aggressive pruning and we felt our hearts sink by how empty, and unleafy (Unleafy: without leaves. New word. Go with it.) our trees looked. Our frustration and sadness grew as we climbed the stairs that night. We were positive we had made a terrible tree mistake. Then we looked out the window. We could see the beautiful outdoors now! We had been missing out on a view that made us sigh with contentment. The tree guy was a genius! An artist! Exactly, what we needed.
Prune
I appreciate your position. You are waring with two conflicting and equally upsetting negative emotions. On the one hand, you are concerned that your sister’s mazel will bloom quickly and she will meet her bashert in no time at all. While you adore your sister, and want to celebrate her happiness, you will be made to feel “less than” and “people” may offer you sad smiles and unwarranted pity. (Please don’t do that “people!” Offer happy smiles and positive suggestions!) Yet, if you are completely honest, you worry that you will be jealous of the sister that you love and that is a very uncomfortable emotion to hold onto.
Weed
At the same time, you harbor anxiety that you are the reason she cannot moved forward. You are holding her back and that can fill your heart with worry and stress. You know first-hand that shidduchim can take a while, and the more time that passes, the greater likelihood that prospects and opportunity will dwindle. You want to get married first. You are older. But you are ever aware of the passage of time, as your sister (im)patiently waits for you to find your future husband. So, you feel guilty, and that is a heavy emotion to carry with you.
This is not easy. You are feeling conflicted and uncertain. I’m so sorry that this had been hard.
Plant
Perhaps though, decide to rely on Hashem and relinquish the power you are clinging to with shaky hands. Tell your parents that you would like to discuss the option of your sister dating as well and surrender your role as gatekeeper to a greater master plan. There is someone meant for you, and he will be there for you at the right time. No need to hold your sister back. Release the painful emotions that have been holding you back and accept that more goodness can only come from doing good. Open your heart and soul to possibilities for your entire family and you might find that your greatest fears prove to be your most beautiful accomplishments.
