Dear Dating Coach,
I am not skinny. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I started dating this year and I have gotten a few dates that I enjoyed but ultimately didn’t go anywhere. But every shadchan my mother calls says, “she has such a pretty face, if only she would lose some weight.” It literally makes me want to scream. I am trying! I have been trying forever! Is this all that men value? A size? I am fun, kind, and popular and went to a top seminary. My family is amazing, and I have the most wonderful friends. But still, I get reduced to a size and my self-confidence takes a hit every time. Now a new guy just said “yes” to me and I am stressed and worried that my size will come into play again. He saw my picture…but still…What do I do?
Single Size
Dear Size,
Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl who lived in a home in Jackson with her two evil stepsisters. One night, there was a magnificent ball at Ateres Malka and the girl, after a successful shopping trip abroad (Central Avenue) put on special dress and heels that didn’t hurt (this is a fable!) and went to the party. There she locked eyes (through the mechitza) with The Prince (Mr. BMG) and knew she wanted to build a bayis ne’eman with him. But at midnight, her chariot (Uber) arrived and she raced home leaving behind one priceless shoe. The prince scoured the Five Towns and even Tom’s River (only after seder) for the girl with her shoe in hand. When he arrived at her house, her stepsisters (still evil!) tried to fit their unseemly feet into the shoe. They squeezed and crammed their toes into said shoe, but clearly it was not the right fit. Finally, the girl finished her OT classes and came home to see the prince at her house. She seamlessly fit into her shoe (thank goodness, they were expensive!) and they lived happily ever after in Eretz Yisrael for one year before moving to Lakewood. The End.
Charm is Misleading, And Beauty is Nothing to Be Valued
If this story seems familiar, I don’t see why. I clearly made it up. Regardless, for clarity, you are the girl in this fairytale. It sounds to me like you are a gift, and your intended zivug will be lucky to meet and marry you. To say however, that the world we live in is a world that doesn’t put tremendous value on looks and appearances would certainly be erroneous. We live in a society totally influenced by shallow perceptions on beauty and weight. We are surrounded by impossible standards, fictitious social media influencers, and fashion advertisements that celebrate a very specific and often unattainable measure of beauty. We have girls who suffer with body image, we have boys who suffer from body image, and our neighborhoods and simchas are filled with women on Ozempic and the “kosher skinny shot.” It is exhausting and demeaning. It is wrong.
But A Women Who Fears G-d, is Worthy of Praise
Taking care of yourself should be a standard. We should invest time in our beauty routines, in exercise, and in clothes that make us look our best. We should care about our appearances and do what we want to make us feel good both inside and out. What this might mean to one person might be different to another. However, we live in a world where our understanding of beauty has become distorted and frankly, unhealthy. We no longer understand what true beauty is. Celebrate who you are. Love who you are. If you don’t, do what feels right to get to a place where you do. But this is not about being skinny. It’s about being self-confident and happy with the body and heart that you have been blessed with. Look around shul. Look at the married women and the varied sizes that they are. They got married and so will you. Look for someone who loves your beauty, both inside and out. Someone who adores the gift that you are and the beautiful life you can create together.
