We all dream of a storybook marriage. Is it a fairytale? After all, the divorce rate for a first marriage is a scary 50%; for second and third marriages it’s even higher. I’ve worked to help couples for over 28 years and I am more inspired than ever before that couples can create wonderful marriages. I have spent the years researching the differences between successful and failed marriages in order to learn the key practical components of what successful spouses do to make their marriages great.
Here are five secrets that I’ve learned:
It’s all about connecting emotionally. My research of men who cheated as compared to those who stayed faithful, proved that straying is far more about emotional connectedness than anything else. The average person is not passionate about nurturing a marriage. Sure, somewhere in the recesses of our minds we all know we need to feed our marriage but, let’s face it, who has the time? There are absolutes in life: our kids and the money to care for them and our lifestyle. Our children and career (and often friends and hobbies) get the lion’s share of our energy. Love for our spouse, however, is seen as some self-contained energy machine unto itself that should continue on it’s own inertia. Yet, even inertia needs a push. Every minute spent developing the emotional connectedness to our spouse is a minute well served.
Daily time. My research of over 450 women showed that a happy couple spends a minimum of 30 minutes a day talking – uninterrupted. This was a daily average, so don’t feel pressured to stick to this seven days a week. But you do need consistency, and keeping in touch verbally is a necessity, so read to each other, cook together, or grab a cup of coffee together. Focus on the small amounts of time you can share. This will make it easier to communicate and maintain your friendship with each other. When you spend time with each other on a regular basis, a wonderful thing happens – even when you are not together, you make a mental list of things to discuss later on.
We vs. Me. Successful couples have good resolution skills. They view themselves as a team and the problem as the enemy. Failed couples see each other as the enemy and never solve the issues at hand. When problems arise, develop a “we” attitude and discuss what went wrong, apologize where appropriate, and then decide how you will team up to avoid this issue from following you in the future.
Date night. Set aside one night a week, preferably the same night every week – and make it sacrosanct. My only rule for date night is that you can talk about anything except money, work and kids. Couples laugh aloud when I say this, “What will we talk about?” This is the point. When that kid comes, it’s all-consuming and couples begin to talk of nothing else. That is fine for the first while after birth, but by getting together once a week and not discussing the kids, you will remember why you fell in love. Keep the date fun and meaningful – and it doesn’t have to be dinner and a movie. If babysitting is an economic issue, swap with another couple and watch each other’s kids for two hours.
Discuss sex. Yup, it’s gonna change, maybe for a while or longer. It’s understandable, but not talking about it is the main problem. Successful couples don’t avoid uncomfortable conversations. They initiate them and trust that they can hear one another and work to find a way to resolve any issue. Couples always manage better when it’s out in the open, so even if you don’t have a solution, voice what’s happening for you and take a team approach to getting back to a lovemaking relationship that works for both of you.
Bonus #6: Appreciation. No shortlist is complete without it. If I’ve learned anything over these 28 years, it is that both men and women are desperate for it. Appreciation, whether with simple words or small gestures, seems to have a magical quality and creates a powerful connection and love between spouses. Consider initiating two appreciative comments or gestures daily – you and your spouse will be glad you did.
Bottom line: we need to connect with our spouse. One reason that G-d waited to create Eve was because it was not enough for G-d to know that man needed a wife. He had to wait until Adam saw that every other animal had a partner and he did not. It was in that moment of yearning and acknowledging that every one of us deserves a loving partner that Eve was created. Choosing to have a wonderful marriage is in your hands.
Consider this simple focusing tool – every spouse knows what will bring a smile or a scowl to his or her partner’s face. It’s your choice to wake up daily and consider which one you’d like to see on your loving partner.
