Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating someone pretty seriously and I think we are getting pretty close to an engagement. We met at a Shabbos meal and clicked right away. He called me that night and has been super open in his interest from the beginning. He has met my parents and my siblings. A close friend of mine has also had him over for lots of meals because he is related to her husband. So, lots of people I trust have had the chance to get to know him. But for some reason, they all don’t like him or think he is a good match for me. This is beyond frustrating and upsetting. I finally found someone who really likes me! Why can’t they just be happy for me? Please help me explain this to them so I can say “yes” when he proposes with an easy heart.
Celebrate Me
Dear Celebrate,
Last year, we went on a trip and needed an air mattress. We were pretty specific with our air mattress qualifications and needed a certain size and type. Finally, after extensive Amazon sleuthing, we found the perfect one. And, it was on sale! We were about to click “order now” when I remembered to look at the reviews. 427 opinions later, we forced ourselves to pause. The reviews weren’t great. People were not thrilled with their purchase and had a lot to say. But the size was right AND the sale! Plus, we were super excited about this trip and didn’t want to start looking again. So, we ordered the mattress and when it arrived it looked amazing. Even the box made us happy and it fit perfectly into our luggage. We got to our location and the mattress looked great and felt really comfortable. That night, we put our toddler to bed on our brilliant purchase. “Ha! Who needs reviews!” we scoffed. The next morning, we went to check on our previous tot… who slept on the hard floor because the mattress had quickly deflated through the night. We quickly found a small hole and then another hole, and then another. Reviews….hmmm…lesson learned.
You Mattress To Me
You are in a very difficult position. You have invested time and energy and forged an emotional connection with someone you really like. More so, he is open about his feelings for you and that has been a beautiful gift. Plus, you like him. You really like him. And that matters a lot. You feel like you are close to an engagement and understandably want and expect the support of your family and friends. Yet, they are refusing to give you their blessing and have expressed concern instead. You love them and trust them, but certainly they don’t know him like you do. Their negativity is frustrating and feels unfair.
I hear you and you may be completely right. He might be the perfect guy for you, an incredible husband and father, and you can live happily ever after together. They might just not “get him” like you do, and they might not even “get you” and what you have been hoping for. OR. See, the “or” matters too. OR, they might be on to something. Maybe they can objectively see what you cannot. Maybe they only have your best interest at heart. Since we all want the same thing, a beautiful future for you, it might be worth listening to them. Really listening to what they have to say and being open to being more open. Perhaps that means simply giving this more time, or it might mean speaking to your Rabbi together or a counselor, or even taking a break. A lifetime is really long. Everyone wants you to be happy. Listen with an open heart and mind and then make the decision that leads to there.
