Dear Dating Coach,
This is anonymous so I’m just going to say it – my parents have the worst marriage. For as long as I can remember they have been petty and argumentative with each other. They fight about everything and our house is often filled with the tension of their disagreements. They are careful to maintain a façade in public and so it’s mostly just our family’s dirty little secret. I was very happy to leave my house for yeshiva as a young teenager to escape the ugly feeling of our home. I did not like going home for Yomim Tovim and always felt better when I was able to leave. Despite my difficult home life, the stability of yeshiva seems to have allowed me to become a basically successful human being. I am a good learner, I have great friends, and nice relationships with my wonderful rabbeim. I feel like people like me and I get along with mostly everyone. I have started dating and the girls I have gone out with have all been great. But after two or three dates, I chicken out and tell the shadchan I don’t want to continue even though nothing has really been wrong. I really think I am scared to go further because I don’t want to end up like my parents – and their marriage is all I know. This makes me think I will just repeat their mistakes and I cannot bear the thought. Any advice would be appreciated.
Scared Single
Dear Scared,
I went back to Trader Joes. I know, I complain about that store (all they sell are snacks, fruit, and flowers!) but I went back just the same. I think its TJPP (Trader Joes Peer Pressure. It’s a real thing. Or a fake thing) so I cannot be faulted. There is a spice that they sell that my family LOVES. (Too strong? It’s just a spice? I don’t take it back. It is AMAZING.) I finally made my way out of the twenty-seven popcorn options and loaded up on Chili Lime chips to get to the spice section. I was ready to grab our go-to spice but it was surrounded by sooooo many options. So, so many. Still, I remained focused and made the responsible purchase of just the spice that I know we use so often. (Did that sound true?) I did not do that. I bought them all. All the spices. I could not resist. They are packaged so adorably and have endless potential. I really don’t like that store. TJPP. Be careful. It’s contagious.
The Apple Doesn’t Fall from The Tree
I’m so glad that you reached out. What an uncomfortable burden to carry! You believe that you have become a responsible and well-liked adult with good character and middos. Yet, you still worry about becoming the spouse you watched in your home. You parents set a less than positive example for you and you can only surmise that you have internalized their behaviors to carry into your future marriage. This has stunted your dating progress and weighs heavy on your shoulders.
I can picture the tree in that often-quoted idiom. Apples have fallen off of its branches and lay at its base, destined to rot and decay. Why don’t the apples merely look at the other trees in the orchard who continue to thrive and grow, I wonder? There are so many trees to learn from; so many healthy fruits who nurture those that pick them. You have been blessed with good friends, and strong rabbeim. You have certainly met some of their families, parents, and spouses. Positive examples are everywhere when we look for them. Even more so, you have been given a clear lesson in behaviors that you know are wrong. You know what not to do. Now, merely look toward the healthy role models in your life for guidance and direction. Go to them when you are unsure and seek their sound advice. Furthermore, you will be motivated to look for a spouse from a home where peace and love flowed from stable parents. Together, armed with determination and clear direction, you will create a home filled with respect and love. Plant a new tree and let it grow.
