Dear Dating Coach,
I am dating a nice girl. I like her and we have interesting conversations. We have been out a few times and it just doesn’t feel like we have progressed in a connection. My parents keep asking me how I feel, but I have no idea. I don’t “feel” much. She is nice and interesting, and I like going out with her. I feel fine. That’s kind of it. What am I doing wrong?
Fine Feeling
Dear Feeling,
Winter has arrived and with it, hearty pots of soup simmering on the stove. As the wind blows fiercely outside and the temperature continues to drop, a hot bowl of soup is oh so comforting. Ok, fine, it’s Florida. The sun is shining and the air is warm. But sometimes the air conditioner can get chilly and… ok. Fine. We just want some soup. I like to make a big pot with a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I season the soup and then add some salt and then taste just a bit. Still needs salt? Add some more. A pinch more? Add some again. Then that perfect pot of soup offers lasting comfort against the chill of the palm trees and the endless blue skies.
Minestrone
I’m so glad you met someone that you enjoy dating. This person is interesting to you and your dates have been nice. At the same time, you worry that your feelings have not progressed during this time. You are unsure of what to do from here. Do a lack of feelings mean you should end this or is there a secret recipe to “feelings” that you simply do not have.
Mushroom Barley
In the frum world, our dating is condensed and focused. This can be very productive since a couple is strongly encouraged to further their connection after every date. Sometimes this happens seamless with daters who quickly develop a connection and an emotional attachment to one another. There are many couples however, who are not able to move forward as easily and they begin to worry that they don’t feel more through the passage of time.
French Onion
When you are the latter, it can feel upsetting and frustrating when your dates are going smoothly, but the level of connection remains stagnant. This is pretty common and there is something you can do to test the waters of your connection so that you can better gauge your feelings. Be vulnerable. This can feel scary at first, but it is the only way that you will know if you are dating someone worthy of your trust and love. Share. Share who you are, what you feel, and what you hope for in the future. Offer bits and pieces of your character, your story, and your heart. This can be done in stages. No needs to share your secrets with someone new. Slowly but surely, offer what has shaped you, what you believe in, and what you dream about. When someone receives the gift of your vulnerability and treats it with care, you will know that this is someone you can trust with more. And you will feel. You will feel safe and supported and heard. And if your small offer of vulnerability is not well-received, the negative feelings that will inspire will help you to make a decision as well. Be vulnerable, slowly and carefully, a pinch more here and there, and feelings will certainly follow.
