We are taught that lying is bad, end of story. But what should you to do when your spouse asks about his or her looks or weight? Often, the kind person in you lies, “You look great.” “Stop worrying, you look terrific and slim.”
Is it wrong to lie when we’re trying to bolster a loved one? And if it isn’t, where does it end? Surely, you don’t want to think that everything that comes out of your spouse’s mouth is a lie.
Let’s turn to the Torah. Even Hashem changed the truth when speaking to Avrahom about Sarah.
When Sarah laughs to herself upon hearing the news of her future pregnancy, she finishes her thought with “Adoni zaken, my master is old.” But when Hashem tells Avrahom about her laughing, He changes her statement to “I am so old” so as not to disturb their shalom bayis. Later on, the shevatim lie to Yosef, telling him that before Yaakov died he left instructions that Yosef should forgive them.
Are we allowed to lie for shalom bayis? It would seem so, but what might be a healthy guideline for when it’s okay and when it’s not?
Here’s the good lie: lying about any opinion or thought meant to make your spouse feel good or better.
Here’s the bad lie: lying about any distortion of reality.
When you say, “You look great,” you may be thinking something different. However, you are lying about your opinion and let’s face it, your opinion could be wrong. In fact, if you were in a better mood, perhaps not hungry or tired, you might even have a different opinion. Since opinions are just that, and are fleeting, there’s nothing wrong and everything right with putting a positive or supportive spin on them.
Have you ever heard about the sandwich approach to criticism? Basically, you start with a compliment, outline your criticism and end with another compliment. It’s not a manipulative trick. It’s just recognizing that our egos need to be stroked and we are all somewhat fragile. The world is a tough enough place, why not be that positive spirit in someone’s life? We should do everything we can to critique as little and compliment as much as possible. If our compliment is a little more than we feel at the moment, okay. Even your spouse knows it. So feel free to say, “It was nice having your mom stay with us for the month.” You just might want to practice that one before you try it.
However, when you lie about reality, you’re dismantling your relationship even if you think you’re being nice. “I only paid $50” (you paid $150). “I was at work all day” (you left early to go to the racetrack). “I didn’t go off my diet this week” (you just polished off a box of donuts). These are all distortions – and whether or not your spouse discovers the truth doesn’t matter. He or she trusts you and verifiable facts are being dismissed by creative lying. Once a spouse discovers that there has been a lie about reality, there is an automatic shift in the relationship. More than anything, we depend on our spouse. No matter what is going on, we need to know that our spouse is there for us. But once we are lied to, we can’t help but wonder what else is a lie. Suddenly, everything comes into question. If you think you’re lying about reality to help your spouse, think again. It’s just not worth it.
Plus, lying about reality is a slippery slope. Once you lie about that gift that you say you dropped off when you forgot to, you begin to convince yourself that you can lie about anything to get out of a jam.
I have had people tell me that the worst part of the lying was that it was done while looking into their spouse’s eyes. They felt like they were going insane because their gut told them something other than what their spouse was saying. How could they ever trust again? There’s no place for lying about reality. Your marriage is much better off with honesty. If you promised to do something and forgot or simply blew it off, be honest and deal with it instead of lying and risking the trust in your marriage