Dear Dating Coach,
It felt like dating was on hold this month until we got through Yom Tov. The shadchan said she doesn’t want to make suggestions as the boys are not available, and I feel like I have been put in a dating “time out.” I get that logistically it’s complicated to start something new now, but I wanted to be proactive, while my married siblings offered me unsolicited advice the entire Sukkos. I just wanted to tell them I was trying my best and I didn’t need their suggestions, but in truth, I was doing absolutely nothing. Could I have done better?
Single Sukkos
Dear Single,
The highway shut down. Something about a big-rig losing its merchandise and the need to clean it up. They could not figure out how to reroute traffic. They could not open any lanes. They did not offer us any snacks! I was stuck. First, I decided to play a podcast I had been meaning to catch up on. But with the car not moving, it just felt like an endless lecture and lost its appeal. Then, I tried listening to a book, but that felt like cheating. (No pages to turn.) So, I moved on to some deep peaceful breathing, but then my mind wandered to the traffic. Would I be stuck on the highway indefinitely? Would I ever make it home? Was I now a highway dweller? What is a highway dweller? Was anyone else having trouble breathing?! So, I ditched the breathwork and focused on snacks. I found a granola bar in pretty good shape (date was still good) and felt much better after. Finally, the highway patrol allowed cars to pass through on the shoulder and 47 years (minutes, OK, fact-checker!) later, I got to my destination. But really, I don’t know why people complain about traffic. It’s not that bad.
The Strawberry Crossed the Road. Now She is Traffic Jam.
I get it. You didn’t want to just “wait” until dating was open for customers again. You wanted to do SOMETHING, at the very least so you could tell your siblings that you were putting your all into dating. But you reached out to the shadchan and she didn’t have anyone available, and since you aren’t currently dating anyone, you feel like you are on “hold.”
There are however, ways you can use your time more effectively when you are not actively dating.
The Circle
Use this as an opportunity to widen your circle. Share meals with new people, attend community events, and visit new places. This will allow you to meet people who are not in your direct social circle who may have new dating possibilities for you. Take the time to go to shul, introduce yourself to people and invite guests into your home. Broaden your social scope and you may spark a new idea or suggestion for someone wonderful for you to meet.
The Approach
Take the time to reevaluate your appearance, your resume, and your VIBE. Do you look your best? Perhaps you could benefit from a fresher look or an updated wardrobe? Is your resume showcasing the best of you? Do the references you have chosen highlight your best attributes and have your best interest in mind? Are you presenting in a way that says, “I’m friendly, I’m open to possibilities, and I’m eager to connect?” Take a moment to make sure that you are offering new people a welcoming and positive feeling when they meet you.
The Closer
Finally, use this gift of time to make sure that you have been dating well. Be mindful of the way you have connected with your dates and the feedback you have received. This pause can be a gift that offers you the chance to better yourself and your choices so that your next first date is your last. This is not traffic at a standstill; this is a journey with focused destination.