Dear Dating Coach,
I am engaged! I am so happy to be getting married! My chosson and I seem to be on the same page and I hope we will build a beautiful life together. There is one small glitch however, that I need your take on. Yesterday, my parents asked me about our financial plans and I was shocked. Sure, I knew that we need money to live, but I had no idea how expensive everything is! My parent and in-laws will be helping us in the beginning with rent, but only for a short while and then we will need to figure out how to cover our expenses ourselves. My parents are hardworking, and I have always had everything I needed. I never gave much thought to how much anything costs or what it takes to pay for it all. Now, I am nervous about how we can possibly live on the money that I will be earning this year as a teacher’s assistant, while my husband learns! What do I do?
Cash Money
Dear Cash,
My toddler loves playing with pretend food. A very exclusive restaurant is created with an eclectic menu that is way ahead of the current food trends. Chicken soup and cereal are offered side by side, garnished with an organically grown plastic orange slice. The chef waits patiently as you “chew” and “drink” and “ooh” and “ahh” over the culinary delights offered to you. At the end of my meal, I am always careful to ask for a bill. My toddler runs to bring it to me, as I ask, “How much do I owe you?” My toddler picks up the “bill,” studies it, makes some corrections, and then announces, “You owe… one million dollars!” I might need a payment plan. There goes my Yelp review. Exorbitant prices. Do not recommend.
I’m Not Broke. I’m Just Pre-Rich.
I am so glad that you reached out. In shidduchim, we focus almost entirely on finding the right person, forging a deep connection, and then having the clarity to walk down to the chuppah. We often neglect to think about the “after.” Financial responsibility is a huge part of the “after.” Being on the same financial page does not just mean that you share the same expectation for what lifestyle you both hope to live. Before you can ever hope to share that financial vision, you need to know how you hope to get there. You need a plan and you need it fast.
When you have ordered from Amazon, someone had to pay that bill. When you tapped your phone after your manicure, someone had to cover that cost. When you sat down to dinner with your family, someone had to purchase that food. You family has done you a disservice in not being more transparent about the money that they earn to afford the lifestyle that they have raised you in and the effort that it takes for them to get there. Life in expensive. A simple life and an extravagant life both cost money, and someone needs to pay that bill.
Sit with your chosson and make a list of your future expenses like rent, food, your cell phone, schooling, and transportation, etc. Add it up and take in that number. Then, together you must come up with a reasonable plan to cover your expenses now and going forward as your family and needs expand. If you cannot cover the costs, be mindful of what you can eliminate. Be honest about what you can afford and what you cannot. If you want more than you can afford, make a plan to eventually get to a better financial position. If you feel “old enough” to get married, you are “old enough” to figure this out. Pull yourself together. Make a plan. Live within your means. You are going to be fine.
